Hello World....
Thank you for tuning in - it's December 28th 2012 and as I look back on my emotional rollercoaster type life i'm not real sure about what I'm doing.
I've been given a few opportunities but I seem to self-sabotage right when I get to the "blessing" part and then that makes me wanna back off and not do what i'm supposed to do. Forward movement is truly the key but when one side wants to move forward and the other wants to hibernate and hide in a bottle it's a little hard to really function. I mean really focus and function. That damn imp named "self-sabotage" and guess what part of that word is "self" *gasp* which means it's in my control. [raise ya hand if you want to just step on your own toes until you snap yourself out of "it".] *ARGH!!!* [hand is raised]
So even as I bask in the warmth of the positive vibes that I am surrounded by with my friends, which (by the way) also keep me grounded and motivated to go forward. LOL!! Even as I bask and move forward I have moments of panic and stopped motion. Sad but true. I really just want to (and i've said this before) either:
1. go back to the 1980s and catch myself right before i turn my motivation off
or
2. Find me a hypnotist that can turn off the negativity in my brain
i've wasted too much time even thinking about it..2013 I shall concentrate on thinking about the positive outcomes AND to stop putting myself down and speaking back/stupid outcomes into existence! I shall! I shall! I shall!
In Jesus name....Amen!
*peace and blessings~~and happy kwanza*
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Days like this...
Hello World....
it's a few days before Christmas which, for the first time ever, doesn't mean traveling for me. yep this year christmas and new years will see me here in Atlanta, GA. i messed around and double booked myself for christmas parties..LOL..so i'll be doing some traveling looks like, but not 12 hours worth. (whew!)
anyway, today is Sunday 12-16-12 and church was great (wileyjackson.org) at Gospel Tabernacle. Yep i'm still upstairs in the audio ministry and Bishop Jackson continued his sermons on "the purpose of the church". Today's was NICENESS - II Corin. 5 - 1. to be a place of reconciliation 2. to be a place to share your gifts 3. to point others to the solution - at the end, Bishop prophesied that God would reconcile our life/make all of the transactions balanced. A definite shouting moment but my mind went to "but what if your imbalance is due to your own stupid choices/actions...then what?" but i reveled as much as i could, definitely enjoyed seeing others get their shout on.
Came home to a clean home and continued washing clothes and need to wash the dishes i dirtied yesterday. Need to write my scholarship letters to get some $$$ for the spring and possibly fall next year. i'm officially out of student loan $$. it's amazing the colleges increase tuition but the fed govt forgot to do the same increase of how much students can borrow. isn't that amazing? So this is one of those days that I have a tumbler with something brown in it chillin' around the crib. LOL! There was nothing left this month for DirecTV so i'm watching DVD movies and hitting up the internet for entertainment. one of my fb connects DJ Loweki has shared his podmatic link so i'm on here checking out his live mixes and i'm hooked. He has my attention right now. So i have my laptop hooked up to my surround sound system jammin'. i don't want my downstairs neighbor upset so the subwoofer is turned down. LOL. yep i was one of the 90's teens rolling around in my mama's car with the boomin' system! LOL! thanks Nissan for hooking that Stanza up like that! Niceness!!
It's chilly outside and raining. This is one of those days me and my hunny would've cooked together and would be eating and chillin' together at the house. snuggling and stuff. Days like this....so you ask " so where he at, why that ain't happening?" oh yes because i'm single. O_o and it seems that all of the men that seem to be interesting and are equipped with the right equipment are taken. :-(
i'm still working that corporate j.o.b. mon-friday 8a to 6p as an admin. they call me an office manager but i know the real deal. i didn't get any extra extra money for the extra benefits. so whatever. the upside is i'm getting to work with our visual media group doing some audio stuff. this should be nice!
Days like this....sometimes i vaguely remember what it was like to be a wife...before he revealed his true assholeness, it was nice. i can be honest and say that. HOWever, these days i'm trying to start to a new a career so don't need control freak issues happening. and i just realized, i haven't done a black tie event in awhile. i was just talking to one of my cousins about doing one a month and realized i hadn't done it. i used to hit up black ties on a regular. i haven't purchased a gown or cocktail dress in a looooong time. not a good thing!
Days like this....unlike the song, my mama didn't tell me anything about days like this. i discovered them on my own. I have an arrangement in my head for a gospel song that I love..i need to get it recorded ASAP and upload it to my sound cloud and reverbnation page. If i don't use it i'll lose it.
ok heading back to my tumbler.
*peace and hair grease*
it's a few days before Christmas which, for the first time ever, doesn't mean traveling for me. yep this year christmas and new years will see me here in Atlanta, GA. i messed around and double booked myself for christmas parties..LOL..so i'll be doing some traveling looks like, but not 12 hours worth. (whew!)
anyway, today is Sunday 12-16-12 and church was great (wileyjackson.org) at Gospel Tabernacle. Yep i'm still upstairs in the audio ministry and Bishop Jackson continued his sermons on "the purpose of the church". Today's was NICENESS - II Corin. 5 - 1. to be a place of reconciliation 2. to be a place to share your gifts 3. to point others to the solution - at the end, Bishop prophesied that God would reconcile our life/make all of the transactions balanced. A definite shouting moment but my mind went to "but what if your imbalance is due to your own stupid choices/actions...then what?" but i reveled as much as i could, definitely enjoyed seeing others get their shout on.
Came home to a clean home and continued washing clothes and need to wash the dishes i dirtied yesterday. Need to write my scholarship letters to get some $$$ for the spring and possibly fall next year. i'm officially out of student loan $$. it's amazing the colleges increase tuition but the fed govt forgot to do the same increase of how much students can borrow. isn't that amazing? So this is one of those days that I have a tumbler with something brown in it chillin' around the crib. LOL! There was nothing left this month for DirecTV so i'm watching DVD movies and hitting up the internet for entertainment. one of my fb connects DJ Loweki has shared his podmatic link so i'm on here checking out his live mixes and i'm hooked. He has my attention right now. So i have my laptop hooked up to my surround sound system jammin'. i don't want my downstairs neighbor upset so the subwoofer is turned down. LOL. yep i was one of the 90's teens rolling around in my mama's car with the boomin' system! LOL! thanks Nissan for hooking that Stanza up like that! Niceness!!
It's chilly outside and raining. This is one of those days me and my hunny would've cooked together and would be eating and chillin' together at the house. snuggling and stuff. Days like this....so you ask " so where he at, why that ain't happening?" oh yes because i'm single. O_o and it seems that all of the men that seem to be interesting and are equipped with the right equipment are taken. :-(
i'm still working that corporate j.o.b. mon-friday 8a to 6p as an admin. they call me an office manager but i know the real deal. i didn't get any extra extra money for the extra benefits. so whatever. the upside is i'm getting to work with our visual media group doing some audio stuff. this should be nice!
Days like this....sometimes i vaguely remember what it was like to be a wife...before he revealed his true assholeness, it was nice. i can be honest and say that. HOWever, these days i'm trying to start to a new a career so don't need control freak issues happening. and i just realized, i haven't done a black tie event in awhile. i was just talking to one of my cousins about doing one a month and realized i hadn't done it. i used to hit up black ties on a regular. i haven't purchased a gown or cocktail dress in a looooong time. not a good thing!
Days like this....unlike the song, my mama didn't tell me anything about days like this. i discovered them on my own. I have an arrangement in my head for a gospel song that I love..i need to get it recorded ASAP and upload it to my sound cloud and reverbnation page. If i don't use it i'll lose it.
ok heading back to my tumbler.
*peace and hair grease*
Monday, December 10, 2012
What would you do for a klondike bar?
Hello World...
*click for your blog music*
You see the post title? LOL! Got your attention didn't it? Well i'm glad your curiousness got the best of you. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm still not making the best choices. My free will is turning into brick walls instead of free will type choices to set me free. I'm trapping myself in a box instead of freeing myself with ALL of the possibilities that my talents and gifts have given me. I see other people around me that have used their talents the right way that are achieving that are achieving that are achieving....
I feel like i'm failing, failing, flailing flailing...and in a few minutes i'm about to make a "lesser of two evils" decision to escape the results of yet another error in judgement on my behalf. At 40, you'd think i would've figured out how not to get on the hamster wheel but it's slowly starting to feel that way. You see i'm damaged goods in more ways than one. Nice to look at but poisonous to the touch... So what do you do when you keep fucking up? How and why would God continue to help me when my latitude/longitude is due to my mindless wandering.
At this point, i'm out of undergrad student loan money..i did have the two classes picked for the Spring 2013 semester and I was about to start looking for the additional funds I'll need after using the very last $$ I have available and then last Wednesday, I get a text that my Spring bill was available to look at and then it showed a credit balance which alarmed me. I had to pay out of pocket for the Fall 2012 semester so I knew i'd have to do the same next semester. The second class that was perfect (friday - 1pm) for my work schedule was cancelled. So now i have to look for another evening/weekend class. evenings...a few..weekend...not at all. Film/Video major/Music minor - i'm a senior at GSU and so now truly the majority of my classes are during the day. *what to do?* i mean all faith stepping stones led me to GSU, now what? i'm writing scholarship letters and applying so it's not like i'm sitting on my hands. I do seem to have more connections in the Audio world that will pickup soon. I've been approached more than once about doing "marketing" work which scared me because that word always equated to frustration to me. Mainly because it includes something else i don't care for, that's research. But as I take this faither walk guess what i have to do ..research. I don't know, i'm not trying to sound perfect, holy and sanctimonius, this is me...this is it. I'm flawed. BIG time. And at the same time, i'm irritated. Not to the brink of tears right now but i just feel confused.
The title says "what would you do for a klondike bar?" My klondike bar is a hypnotist that can take away this crazy ass mindset that I'm less than. yep i said it....a continuous low-level depression state will slowly chip away and make you feel that way. I feel like my decisions have limited the plans that the Almighty had for me because i KNOW this can't be it. i'm tired of always waving my hand and saying hallelujah everytime a preacher preaches about making out of something and going from broke to rich. I want to finally wave my hand and say "Lord thank You for bringing me out." That thang nestled in my brain and has seem to grow almost as thick as the kudzu that plagues Atlanta. i have too much crap to do to constantly battle over this.
Anyway, what would I do? My honest to blue truth is to keep the faith and make better decisions and trust God to do what He said He'd do. Like all theories, it sounds great on paper. But putting it into Action...a different story. speaking of Action, everytime I go to church - Gospel Tabernacle Church-Atlanta - my Pastor hits it on the head for me and our ministry's motto is: Word in Action. Everytime I hear that, my mind chuckles and says "we're a verb church". LOL!
As i close, my suggestion to you is to write down your thoughts when you are in crisis. By the time you get to the end, you'll have a decision. AND pray and ask God to speak with you even in a dream to get an answer. (is what i'll be doing)
*peace and blessings*
Music credit:
Via youtube.com
Randy Crawford
Ahmad
Mariah Carey
Kool & The Gang
Avery Sunshine
*click for your blog music*
You see the post title? LOL! Got your attention didn't it? Well i'm glad your curiousness got the best of you. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm still not making the best choices. My free will is turning into brick walls instead of free will type choices to set me free. I'm trapping myself in a box instead of freeing myself with ALL of the possibilities that my talents and gifts have given me. I see other people around me that have used their talents the right way that are achieving that are achieving that are achieving....
I feel like i'm failing, failing, flailing flailing...and in a few minutes i'm about to make a "lesser of two evils" decision to escape the results of yet another error in judgement on my behalf. At 40, you'd think i would've figured out how not to get on the hamster wheel but it's slowly starting to feel that way. You see i'm damaged goods in more ways than one. Nice to look at but poisonous to the touch... So what do you do when you keep fucking up? How and why would God continue to help me when my latitude/longitude is due to my mindless wandering.
At this point, i'm out of undergrad student loan money..i did have the two classes picked for the Spring 2013 semester and I was about to start looking for the additional funds I'll need after using the very last $$ I have available and then last Wednesday, I get a text that my Spring bill was available to look at and then it showed a credit balance which alarmed me. I had to pay out of pocket for the Fall 2012 semester so I knew i'd have to do the same next semester. The second class that was perfect (friday - 1pm) for my work schedule was cancelled. So now i have to look for another evening/weekend class. evenings...a few..weekend...not at all. Film/Video major/Music minor - i'm a senior at GSU and so now truly the majority of my classes are during the day. *what to do?* i mean all faith stepping stones led me to GSU, now what? i'm writing scholarship letters and applying so it's not like i'm sitting on my hands. I do seem to have more connections in the Audio world that will pickup soon. I've been approached more than once about doing "marketing" work which scared me because that word always equated to frustration to me. Mainly because it includes something else i don't care for, that's research. But as I take this faither walk guess what i have to do ..research. I don't know, i'm not trying to sound perfect, holy and sanctimonius, this is me...this is it. I'm flawed. BIG time. And at the same time, i'm irritated. Not to the brink of tears right now but i just feel confused.
The title says "what would you do for a klondike bar?" My klondike bar is a hypnotist that can take away this crazy ass mindset that I'm less than. yep i said it....a continuous low-level depression state will slowly chip away and make you feel that way. I feel like my decisions have limited the plans that the Almighty had for me because i KNOW this can't be it. i'm tired of always waving my hand and saying hallelujah everytime a preacher preaches about making out of something and going from broke to rich. I want to finally wave my hand and say "Lord thank You for bringing me out." That thang nestled in my brain and has seem to grow almost as thick as the kudzu that plagues Atlanta. i have too much crap to do to constantly battle over this.
Anyway, what would I do? My honest to blue truth is to keep the faith and make better decisions and trust God to do what He said He'd do. Like all theories, it sounds great on paper. But putting it into Action...a different story. speaking of Action, everytime I go to church - Gospel Tabernacle Church-Atlanta - my Pastor hits it on the head for me and our ministry's motto is: Word in Action. Everytime I hear that, my mind chuckles and says "we're a verb church". LOL!
As i close, my suggestion to you is to write down your thoughts when you are in crisis. By the time you get to the end, you'll have a decision. AND pray and ask God to speak with you even in a dream to get an answer. (is what i'll be doing)
*peace and blessings*
Music credit:
Via youtube.com
Randy Crawford
Ahmad
Mariah Carey
Kool & The Gang
Avery Sunshine
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
What does 2013 hold?
Hello World....
*click for theme music*
I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis. At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA. I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard. ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along. Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler. I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.
Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?
I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me. I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong? I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it. Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church. There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that. As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*
I have two sides. 1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins. 2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to. So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing. Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough. It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste. I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there. At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was. There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did. i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight. And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up. that was 8 years ago. i've gained a little back but lost the tone. i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit. I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck. I can't stand it. I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together. I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it. I JUST now got it. *sigh*
I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying". I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills. i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing. I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person) i just don't know when/where/how to get there. As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru. one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school. something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit! I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good! i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies) I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried. the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........
my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above. I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part. I need to get out of my own way! I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!
2013 will hold me doing more for me. this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them. the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone. No one wants to be a one unit anymore. EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too. do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep. do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it. next stop getting Nissa truly sane. 2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus. I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment. as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.
I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it. Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released. i can't do it. I won't do it. I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross). You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke. KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!
** I'm Okay**
Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!
*click for theme music*
I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis. At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA. I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard. ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along. Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler. I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.
Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?
I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me. I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong? I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it. Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church. There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that. As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*
I have two sides. 1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins. 2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to. So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing. Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough. It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste. I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there. At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was. There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did. i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight. And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up. that was 8 years ago. i've gained a little back but lost the tone. i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit. I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck. I can't stand it. I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together. I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it. I JUST now got it. *sigh*
I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying". I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills. i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing. I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person) i just don't know when/where/how to get there. As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru. one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school. something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit! I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good! i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies) I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried. the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........
my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above. I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part. I need to get out of my own way! I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!
2013 will hold me doing more for me. this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them. the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone. No one wants to be a one unit anymore. EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too. do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep. do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it. next stop getting Nissa truly sane. 2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus. I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment. as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.
I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it. Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released. i can't do it. I won't do it. I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross). You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke. KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!
** I'm Okay**
Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Hey Ya'll
**Hello World**
*click here for your theme music*
Hey Ya'll!! It's been a minute...i hope that you have chosen to use your time wisely in life. We always have the opportunity to complete objectives but we don't always take the time to do it.
Life is GREAT Over here (speaking it into existence)...I'm taking all of my opportunities to fulfill my tasks.
This is a very very very short one...I encourage you to "find and fulfill your destiny" ( in my Mufasa voice)
*peace and love*
Credit:
Youtube.com - Soul II Soul - "keep on moving"
*click here for your theme music*
Hey Ya'll!! It's been a minute...i hope that you have chosen to use your time wisely in life. We always have the opportunity to complete objectives but we don't always take the time to do it.
Life is GREAT Over here (speaking it into existence)...I'm taking all of my opportunities to fulfill my tasks.
This is a very very very short one...I encourage you to "find and fulfill your destiny" ( in my Mufasa voice)
*peace and love*
Credit:
Youtube.com - Soul II Soul - "keep on moving"
Friday, October 26, 2012
I've seen alot...
Hello World...
it's been a minute between posts and my apologies. I've let "life" come between me and my journaling.
I was rummaging through my planner and happened upon an old poem i wrote back in March 2012 and it's a tad bit dark. I think i was frustrated about some stuff and decided to put it to pen and ink.
Take that to the bank
I've seen too much
I've witnessed repeated inefidelity all my life
When I was a naive individual, I thought that there were those that were different and said "I do" once...
Found out after the divorce that he was no different than the rest..
Even after that, I still had faith in humans and allowed myself to fall for someone.
It wasn't infideloity but a control freak, verbally and mentally abusive....no thanks.
So now, I do what I do. The one thing someone will NEVER do is hurt me again. My wall is like titanium kevlar, bullets bounce off and hit the ground with a "ting"!
I refuse to be hurt! I refuse to be hurt!
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever again!
And you can take that to the bank!
There is no music with this post. As you can see by the wording, I am pretty serious on this one. I've seen a lot and so my faith in a successful relationship is very iffy.
it's time to head to bed now (11:34p)
Enjoy your weekend!
it's been a minute between posts and my apologies. I've let "life" come between me and my journaling.
I was rummaging through my planner and happened upon an old poem i wrote back in March 2012 and it's a tad bit dark. I think i was frustrated about some stuff and decided to put it to pen and ink.
Take that to the bank
I've seen too much
I've witnessed repeated inefidelity all my life
When I was a naive individual, I thought that there were those that were different and said "I do" once...
Found out after the divorce that he was no different than the rest..
Even after that, I still had faith in humans and allowed myself to fall for someone.
It wasn't infideloity but a control freak, verbally and mentally abusive....no thanks.
So now, I do what I do. The one thing someone will NEVER do is hurt me again. My wall is like titanium kevlar, bullets bounce off and hit the ground with a "ting"!
I refuse to be hurt! I refuse to be hurt!
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever again!
And you can take that to the bank!
There is no music with this post. As you can see by the wording, I am pretty serious on this one. I've seen a lot and so my faith in a successful relationship is very iffy.
it's time to head to bed now (11:34p)
Enjoy your weekend!
Monday, October 1, 2012
It's been a minute..
Hello World...
It's been a minute..click here for your theme music...it's been a long time (as nick and valerie) are singing...since i've posted a new blog.
Life has been interesting to say the least. The chorus of your theme music asks "is it still good to ya?" And my answer to that is YES! I am enjoying myself in re-introducing myself to my gifts and talents and not allowing fear to keep me away from great opportunities! It's liberating to be able to be open and not hold back in all situations.
I just did a FB post about the people i'm connected with that have allowed me to "live" instead of just existing. I mean every word of it! I love the people that push me to be better, even the haters. Someone used to say "let your haters be your motivators" and as cliche(ish) as that sounds these days, it's a true statement.
So as I close (yep this is a short one) I want to encourage you to continue to push on. Keep your dream in your eyes and don't get bogged down on the process. It's like Peter trying to walk on the water...as long as he kept his eyes on the objective (Jesus) he was fine but when he looked at the water and the turbulence, he started sinking. Don't let your surroundings sink you. Keep your eyes on the prize...another cliche but it has a HUGE meaning. And don't ever not let it "Feel Good to ya".
*peace and blessings*
credit: "Is it still good to ya" - Ashford and Simpson via youtube.com
It's been a minute..click here for your theme music...it's been a long time (as nick and valerie) are singing...since i've posted a new blog.
Life has been interesting to say the least. The chorus of your theme music asks "is it still good to ya?" And my answer to that is YES! I am enjoying myself in re-introducing myself to my gifts and talents and not allowing fear to keep me away from great opportunities! It's liberating to be able to be open and not hold back in all situations.
I just did a FB post about the people i'm connected with that have allowed me to "live" instead of just existing. I mean every word of it! I love the people that push me to be better, even the haters. Someone used to say "let your haters be your motivators" and as cliche(ish) as that sounds these days, it's a true statement.
So as I close (yep this is a short one) I want to encourage you to continue to push on. Keep your dream in your eyes and don't get bogged down on the process. It's like Peter trying to walk on the water...as long as he kept his eyes on the objective (Jesus) he was fine but when he looked at the water and the turbulence, he started sinking. Don't let your surroundings sink you. Keep your eyes on the prize...another cliche but it has a HUGE meaning. And don't ever not let it "Feel Good to ya".
*peace and blessings*
credit: "Is it still good to ya" - Ashford and Simpson via youtube.com
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Oh Lord bless me indeed.....
*click here for your blog theme music*
Bless me, bless me
Oh Lord, bless me indeed,
Enlarge my territory
Oh Lord, bless me indeed
(I pray for increase)
Bless me indeed
music credit: Donald Lawrence and Tri-City Singers
Hello World.....
If you've read my previous blog posts you'll know that I've been visiting a church recently thanks to the encouragement of my Aries brother and I joined today as an official member. I've been visiting consistently for the past week at the Action Living Conference at Gospel Tabernacle Church and I've been on a uphill climb trying to get my complete sanity back and it's been a travel BUT God has surrounded me with SO many positive people that keep my upbeat in different ways that's it's bananas! There have been times that I've sensed myself going into a state of sadness or depression and my phone rings with someone on the other line saying "hey let's go to do ABC, XYZ." Not something crazy but all of my friends are connected to the same hobbies and likes that I have so it's something that is instantly a spirit lifter. ok so anyway, I haven't had a church home in quite some time and my Aries brother invited me and I finally visited and prayed and asked God to let me know that I'm supposed to be there and each time by the end of the service I got it..my answer that is. So I'm no longer floating and on hiatus, I'll get some Word, some focus to push forward to the next level. I'm soooooo happy about that.
So anyway, I just had to share with you guys and I want to encourage you to push forward and don't sit back and don't settle for the mediocre. Nothing about your life is mediocre. It doesn't matter what anyone else says about you, you were born with a destiny, finish your objective! Do it!
Love you...peace and blessings!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I told the storm...
Hello World...
*click here for your theme music*
So just recently I have begun reclaiming my spiritual journey...slowly but truly. Being raised in church and having my own relationship with God, a church home is the norm for me. When I moved here from Houston back in 2004 I joined two spots..one due to popularity of a daily TV ministry I watched in Houston which ended up being something else entirely...the other one I was spiritually drawn to and once there the message ALWAYS matched my prayer need, my spiritual gifts were flowing but there was an off aura in the sanctuary from the congregation. More of "look at me" than "let me help you" and I had to get on outta there before I got bitter. I haven't had a church home in quite some time. I've visited churches but never felt a full connection...so I was still searching.
A few years back a good girlfriend of mine who knows my love for spoken word, music and my birthday sign (Aries stand up! LOL), bought me a ticket to a J Fly/Fly Trap birthday concert a few years ago at the now defunct Sambucas on Piedmont which happened to also be the weekend of my birthday. I found out that our birthdays are 2 days apart (how cool!) so I knew this had to be a good guy. I mean hey he's an Aries and we're good people and plus his life actions showed what he's about. So I became acquainted with this phenomenon called J Fly (whom I nicknamed Aries..hey it's our sign. LOL) and his non-profit organization "How Big Is Your Dream". At this point, I am a fan of the organization of which I've blogged about in a previous post (see Follow the Signs) and in response to the first blog, J and I ended up having a discussion. We discussed my religious background, our church experiences and the similarities and instead of him saying "hey why aren't you in church?" (something i've grown used to hearing from people at this point) he said "hey come visit my church". And from this discussion we have become cool friends. He's a tad younger, so he's like the younger, wise brother I've never had. (I have a younger brother but that's a whole 'nother ball game... O_o) ANYway....when you meet people that just have good spirits, especially a man, please know that a great woman of that same spirit "ain't" far away. After becoming a fan of the organization, me and my friends would make sure to get to an event if the Fly Trap was playing so I normally only saw Mrs Flynn in her volunteer mode during all of J's events, passing out flyers and whatever else needed to be done but I've gotten a chance to actually meet her and what a beautiful spirit and their daughter is a mini-me of both of these spirits! As you can tell by this last comment, eventually I visited the church and needless to say, I'm hooked! It's a little scary but I'm going to roll with it.
Ok that's the preface...let's get to the meat....so I am now piecing everything back together and this past Sunday I not only went to 11am service but attended the first night of the Action Living Conference and just attended tonight. I almost didn't go. Coming out of a holiday weekend, I was feeling real peaceful today (Tuesday) in a weird kind of way and during a morning convo, I was asked "how i was feeling" and my answer was "peaceful in a weird kind of way". So my friend asked me "how is peace weird?" and I had to laugh and said "because i rarely have it". So i'm wondering if I spoke the craziness into existence. (hmmm) I make that statement because by the end of the day, i was stressing. Missed class due to having to wait around at work until some stuff got finished [ok cool i would've been just a few minutes late] and THEN got to my car and [what do we have] oh yeah, a flat tire! So I traipse on across the street to GoodYear because I'd had a tire fixed and my tires were rotated so I was thinking it was the same one..oh no..this was a different tire...another nail in a different tire. [who woulda thunk it???] not I! So then the mechanic says oh yeah it was a different tire so that'll be $32.95. [WHAT??] Can I just tell you that at this point, I wasn't at the point of crying, I was just irritated and numb. How could a basically good spirited day end up like this? I immediately told him right then and there I don't have any money to pay for this because I thought it was the same tire which would've been no charge. So the guy kinda looked at me and then gave me my keys and said "you're good to go". I hope I didn't yell at him, I don't even really remember being there like I know it happened but I was so numb by this time. So I eventually drive away but I'm stressing and by this time it's about 5pm, I needed to be in class for 5:30p but now I'm in major traffic. Ok with all of this happening, I still needed to go to campus to get a new parking permit for Fall 2012 and the office that I need to go to closes at 7pm...i get there at 7:01p and baaaaybay they are CLOSED!!! [GREAT!] I've missed class and wasn't able to get a new parking permit. So i'ma have to hit it tomorrow(today) but by now I'm pretty much over being stressed and I'm just kinda like numb + thinking "ok Lord..what in the heck is happening right now?". By the time I got back to my car...i wanted a drink..well a part of me did and another part of me said "uuuuh excuse me ma'am go to church!" and at this point, I'd actually vented to a couple of people including my Aries brother and he made the response that needed to be said "come to church". So as I went through my stages of emotional madness, I pointed my car towards church and went!
Praise and Worship was effective but I was still numb and still stressing...I was singing but felt a disconnect somewhere, somehow hollowed out...and so I asked God to show me if I didn't need to be at this church to show me if he was leading me elsewhere. Once Pastor Riva Tims got up, she got right into the Word and her title was "Don't Let the Storm Stop You" [REALLY?] Immediately I had a flashback of my experiences when I went to church in Houston at my home church Abundant Life Cathedral. Everytime I stepped in that sanctuary, Pastor Ed's sermon would knock me upside my head with an answer to my current dilemma. Well She hit the nail on the head, including the flat tire. Too funny!!!!! It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder and saying "I'm happening right now, pay attention." So God showed me right quick that I do need to be at Gospel Tabernacle Church and next Sunday will be my time to step up. Anyway, she told us about 3 types of storms we encounter:
So that sermon is what I needed to reactivate/engage my memory and act right! LOL! I have to laugh at myself because I'm sitting around worried about what people think of me instead of what God thinks of me. Not in the manner of bad reputation, I mean I almost reverted back to an old mindset where I was worried of people were making fun of me or talking about me (1st storm type) and that's bananas! So thank you Father for re-directing me to a place that I can regroup and react accordingly. I had to remind myself of the Nissa that was strong and stubborn and got stuff done versus the one that decided to give up! So thank you Lord, for real!
So my bottomline message to anyone reading this is when you know that you have a spiritual assignment, when you see that each time you take a step forward, miraculously the next door opens and you're able to keep going. When you see that you are in that type of situation but your current surroundings don't seem to line up with what needs to be done. When your resources don't seem to be there for what you know needs to be done, keep going forward.
The song that the Minister of Worship ( Elder Darwin Hobbs) ministered after Pastor Tims's sermon was Israel Houghton's "I will follow you Forward". The chorus exclaims:
*click here for your theme music*
So just recently I have begun reclaiming my spiritual journey...slowly but truly. Being raised in church and having my own relationship with God, a church home is the norm for me. When I moved here from Houston back in 2004 I joined two spots..one due to popularity of a daily TV ministry I watched in Houston which ended up being something else entirely...the other one I was spiritually drawn to and once there the message ALWAYS matched my prayer need, my spiritual gifts were flowing but there was an off aura in the sanctuary from the congregation. More of "look at me" than "let me help you" and I had to get on outta there before I got bitter. I haven't had a church home in quite some time. I've visited churches but never felt a full connection...so I was still searching.
A few years back a good girlfriend of mine who knows my love for spoken word, music and my birthday sign (Aries stand up! LOL), bought me a ticket to a J Fly/Fly Trap birthday concert a few years ago at the now defunct Sambucas on Piedmont which happened to also be the weekend of my birthday. I found out that our birthdays are 2 days apart (how cool!) so I knew this had to be a good guy. I mean hey he's an Aries and we're good people and plus his life actions showed what he's about. So I became acquainted with this phenomenon called J Fly (whom I nicknamed Aries..hey it's our sign. LOL) and his non-profit organization "How Big Is Your Dream". At this point, I am a fan of the organization of which I've blogged about in a previous post (see Follow the Signs) and in response to the first blog, J and I ended up having a discussion. We discussed my religious background, our church experiences and the similarities and instead of him saying "hey why aren't you in church?" (something i've grown used to hearing from people at this point) he said "hey come visit my church". And from this discussion we have become cool friends. He's a tad younger, so he's like the younger, wise brother I've never had. (I have a younger brother but that's a whole 'nother ball game... O_o) ANYway....when you meet people that just have good spirits, especially a man, please know that a great woman of that same spirit "ain't" far away. After becoming a fan of the organization, me and my friends would make sure to get to an event if the Fly Trap was playing so I normally only saw Mrs Flynn in her volunteer mode during all of J's events, passing out flyers and whatever else needed to be done but I've gotten a chance to actually meet her and what a beautiful spirit and their daughter is a mini-me of both of these spirits! As you can tell by this last comment, eventually I visited the church and needless to say, I'm hooked! It's a little scary but I'm going to roll with it.
Ok that's the preface...let's get to the meat....so I am now piecing everything back together and this past Sunday I not only went to 11am service but attended the first night of the Action Living Conference and just attended tonight. I almost didn't go. Coming out of a holiday weekend, I was feeling real peaceful today (Tuesday) in a weird kind of way and during a morning convo, I was asked "how i was feeling" and my answer was "peaceful in a weird kind of way". So my friend asked me "how is peace weird?" and I had to laugh and said "because i rarely have it". So i'm wondering if I spoke the craziness into existence. (hmmm) I make that statement because by the end of the day, i was stressing. Missed class due to having to wait around at work until some stuff got finished [ok cool i would've been just a few minutes late] and THEN got to my car and [what do we have] oh yeah, a flat tire! So I traipse on across the street to GoodYear because I'd had a tire fixed and my tires were rotated so I was thinking it was the same one..oh no..this was a different tire...another nail in a different tire. [who woulda thunk it???] not I! So then the mechanic says oh yeah it was a different tire so that'll be $32.95. [WHAT??] Can I just tell you that at this point, I wasn't at the point of crying, I was just irritated and numb. How could a basically good spirited day end up like this? I immediately told him right then and there I don't have any money to pay for this because I thought it was the same tire which would've been no charge. So the guy kinda looked at me and then gave me my keys and said "you're good to go". I hope I didn't yell at him, I don't even really remember being there like I know it happened but I was so numb by this time. So I eventually drive away but I'm stressing and by this time it's about 5pm, I needed to be in class for 5:30p but now I'm in major traffic. Ok with all of this happening, I still needed to go to campus to get a new parking permit for Fall 2012 and the office that I need to go to closes at 7pm...i get there at 7:01p and baaaaybay they are CLOSED!!! [GREAT!] I've missed class and wasn't able to get a new parking permit. So i'ma have to hit it tomorrow(today) but by now I'm pretty much over being stressed and I'm just kinda like numb + thinking "ok Lord..what in the heck is happening right now?". By the time I got back to my car...i wanted a drink..well a part of me did and another part of me said "uuuuh excuse me ma'am go to church!" and at this point, I'd actually vented to a couple of people including my Aries brother and he made the response that needed to be said "come to church". So as I went through my stages of emotional madness, I pointed my car towards church and went!
Praise and Worship was effective but I was still numb and still stressing...I was singing but felt a disconnect somewhere, somehow hollowed out...and so I asked God to show me if I didn't need to be at this church to show me if he was leading me elsewhere. Once Pastor Riva Tims got up, she got right into the Word and her title was "Don't Let the Storm Stop You" [REALLY?] Immediately I had a flashback of my experiences when I went to church in Houston at my home church Abundant Life Cathedral. Everytime I stepped in that sanctuary, Pastor Ed's sermon would knock me upside my head with an answer to my current dilemma. Well She hit the nail on the head, including the flat tire. Too funny!!!!! It was like God was tapping me on the shoulder and saying "I'm happening right now, pay attention." So God showed me right quick that I do need to be at Gospel Tabernacle Church and next Sunday will be my time to step up. Anyway, she told us about 3 types of storms we encounter:
- the minor storm that just tests your faith that irritates you (i.e. people talking about you)
- the YOU storm where there is no one or nothing else stopping you but you (i.e. self-sabotage)
- the spiritual storm that you go through to relocate you to where you need to be for your next level
So that sermon is what I needed to reactivate/engage my memory and act right! LOL! I have to laugh at myself because I'm sitting around worried about what people think of me instead of what God thinks of me. Not in the manner of bad reputation, I mean I almost reverted back to an old mindset where I was worried of people were making fun of me or talking about me (1st storm type) and that's bananas! So thank you Father for re-directing me to a place that I can regroup and react accordingly. I had to remind myself of the Nissa that was strong and stubborn and got stuff done versus the one that decided to give up! So thank you Lord, for real!
So my bottomline message to anyone reading this is when you know that you have a spiritual assignment, when you see that each time you take a step forward, miraculously the next door opens and you're able to keep going. When you see that you are in that type of situation but your current surroundings don't seem to line up with what needs to be done. When your resources don't seem to be there for what you know needs to be done, keep going forward.
The song that the Minister of Worship ( Elder Darwin Hobbs) ministered after Pastor Tims's sermon was Israel Houghton's "I will follow you Forward". The chorus exclaims:
Friday, August 31, 2012
Final Destination..
Hello World.....
This one popped in my head right before I closed my eyes to head to lala land...enjoy!
*click here for your theme music* (no copyright infringement intended)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Final Destination
I hear the key in the lock, a smile on my face as I look at the clock..
A "Hey Babe" as I check the skillets and pots on the stove brings a quiver from the top of my head to my toes...
My man is home at the end of the day, time to switch hats from corporate life to husband/wife time and play..
I love this dude and he's all I need and I want...
My heart skips a beat because I know when it's all said and done, I'm his final destination...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Third Installment by Nissa K**
Created by Nissa K
This one popped in my head right before I closed my eyes to head to lala land...enjoy!
*click here for your theme music* (no copyright infringement intended)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Final Destination
I hear the key in the lock, a smile on my face as I look at the clock..
A "Hey Babe" as I check the skillets and pots on the stove brings a quiver from the top of my head to my toes...
My man is home at the end of the day, time to switch hats from corporate life to husband/wife time and play..
I love this dude and he's all I need and I want...
My heart skips a beat because I know when it's all said and done, I'm his final destination...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Third Installment by Nissa K**
Created by Nissa K
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Oneness...
Hello World...
so my day ended with an invitation from a good friend of mine to experience a type of sisterhood meeting at her church Hillside International Truth Center. It's a meditation meeting, allowing those in attendance to close off the world for a few moments and quiet the noise in your head and become one with yourself. To be able to think clearly...and for the first time in a looooong time i was able to talk myself out of hearing the noise. I jokingly speak of having a reset button because I want to start some things over in my life BUT as we know there is no such button...however if you continue to live and go forward, you can enhance and correct some things. it's just that simple. Oh man it was a beautiful thing! And I was thinking back to how it normally is with like a revival service, where you experience this short-lived euphoria but this is feeling different. Apparently people have these meditation services throughout the city and I'm thinking I need to find and join one. There's no $$ involved, it's just people who care about your soul/spirit and your relationship with God.
I'm so glad I went, it has created some newness in my Oneness. :-D
So anyway, I just wanted to share...
*peace and blessings*
so my day ended with an invitation from a good friend of mine to experience a type of sisterhood meeting at her church Hillside International Truth Center. It's a meditation meeting, allowing those in attendance to close off the world for a few moments and quiet the noise in your head and become one with yourself. To be able to think clearly...and for the first time in a looooong time i was able to talk myself out of hearing the noise. I jokingly speak of having a reset button because I want to start some things over in my life BUT as we know there is no such button...however if you continue to live and go forward, you can enhance and correct some things. it's just that simple. Oh man it was a beautiful thing! And I was thinking back to how it normally is with like a revival service, where you experience this short-lived euphoria but this is feeling different. Apparently people have these meditation services throughout the city and I'm thinking I need to find and join one. There's no $$ involved, it's just people who care about your soul/spirit and your relationship with God.
I'm so glad I went, it has created some newness in my Oneness. :-D
So anyway, I just wanted to share...
*peace and blessings*
Monday, August 27, 2012
After the praise dance...
Hello World...
Well it's Monday and I'm still drawing breath. As the old folks say my bed wasn't my cooling board and I appreciate that but still have some anxious thoughts. I talked about Tradewinds in my last post (Sunday aug 26th) and went to a church service where the two ministers that got up and spoke a Word pretty much about what I'm dealing with behind my closed doors. I never take events like that for granted or as coincidence. Yes there a billion people in the world and we all deal with the same issues behind closed doors, even though we try not to share it, but I just tend to take stuff seriously, especially if i've been praying about it.
The first thing was: practical application of the Word. I'd just talked about that in my blog and one of the ministers spoke on it in the same area I was thinking and touching on. so that was confirmation that God still hears me in my prayers.
The second topic came when the Pastor got up for his sermon. He was finishing a segment on a woman's role in her marriage. and one thing he stepped on my bunion with was - the woman is the manager of the relationship...she must know how to manage the household effectively and efficiently.
As a single woman, I must be, should have been learning how to manage my household effectively and efficiently. I do recall a time period in my life where that was true. My budget was tight and my credit was good. At some point that quit being my life truth and i've been a bad manager ever since. So i've been a bad manager longer that i've been a good manager. (sadness) A successful man does not want a bad manager for a wife, therefore i'm not ready to be in anybody's relationship. (truth and sadness)
Now after the praise dance and you've received the Word and allowed your emotions to well up and overflow and all of the "thank god, thank jesus, hallelujah" exclamations have stopped you have to deal with your man in the mirror. What do you do after the praise dance? You allow yourself to be human for about 3 to 5 seconds and be angry or sad or whatever and then you start looking for solutions. Positive solutions. How did it effect me you ask? Well i'm glad you asked. I'm not ashamed. I was pissed, sad, angry for not fixing what i already knew was an issue. And at 40 with no kids and just now making a transition into what i really want to do in life, that information (which i already knew) being brought up again was a splash of cold water to bring me back to reality. The reality that you can't roll around living paycheck to paycheck all your life and have a happy, no stress life. It's so many other things that happen in life that give you stress; why bring stress on yourself? So after i got thru being mad..I realized that I'd already started turning stuff around. It's amazing how you lose sight of the positive stuff as long as you stay mad at the negative. LOL!! You get tunnel vision on the wrong stuff.
Anyway...after the praise dance for that Sunday or Wednesday or whenever you have your emotional spill over...you figure out a new plan and you keep dancing as you Praise Him in advance!! *BOOM*
*peace and blessings*
Well it's Monday and I'm still drawing breath. As the old folks say my bed wasn't my cooling board and I appreciate that but still have some anxious thoughts. I talked about Tradewinds in my last post (Sunday aug 26th) and went to a church service where the two ministers that got up and spoke a Word pretty much about what I'm dealing with behind my closed doors. I never take events like that for granted or as coincidence. Yes there a billion people in the world and we all deal with the same issues behind closed doors, even though we try not to share it, but I just tend to take stuff seriously, especially if i've been praying about it.
The first thing was: practical application of the Word. I'd just talked about that in my blog and one of the ministers spoke on it in the same area I was thinking and touching on. so that was confirmation that God still hears me in my prayers.
The second topic came when the Pastor got up for his sermon. He was finishing a segment on a woman's role in her marriage. and one thing he stepped on my bunion with was - the woman is the manager of the relationship...she must know how to manage the household effectively and efficiently.
As a single woman, I must be, should have been learning how to manage my household effectively and efficiently. I do recall a time period in my life where that was true. My budget was tight and my credit was good. At some point that quit being my life truth and i've been a bad manager ever since. So i've been a bad manager longer that i've been a good manager. (sadness) A successful man does not want a bad manager for a wife, therefore i'm not ready to be in anybody's relationship. (truth and sadness)
Now after the praise dance and you've received the Word and allowed your emotions to well up and overflow and all of the "thank god, thank jesus, hallelujah" exclamations have stopped you have to deal with your man in the mirror. What do you do after the praise dance? You allow yourself to be human for about 3 to 5 seconds and be angry or sad or whatever and then you start looking for solutions. Positive solutions. How did it effect me you ask? Well i'm glad you asked. I'm not ashamed. I was pissed, sad, angry for not fixing what i already knew was an issue. And at 40 with no kids and just now making a transition into what i really want to do in life, that information (which i already knew) being brought up again was a splash of cold water to bring me back to reality. The reality that you can't roll around living paycheck to paycheck all your life and have a happy, no stress life. It's so many other things that happen in life that give you stress; why bring stress on yourself? So after i got thru being mad..I realized that I'd already started turning stuff around. It's amazing how you lose sight of the positive stuff as long as you stay mad at the negative. LOL!! You get tunnel vision on the wrong stuff.
Anyway...after the praise dance for that Sunday or Wednesday or whenever you have your emotional spill over...you figure out a new plan and you keep dancing as you Praise Him in advance!! *BOOM*
*peace and blessings*
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Tradewinds of our times...
Hello World...
*click here for your theme music*
I woke up this morning with a song in my head that is on repeat which is a good thing..it's a great song, great artist, great lyrics. The words definitely fit my outlook on life, describes a lot of what i'm looking at, feeling like.
Here i stand looking, looking around me
While all around me what do I see
unhappy faces, behind a painted smile
heartache and lonliness dressed in modern style
unhappy people living in sin and shame
reflections of myself, life is no easy game
we're caught in the tradewinds..the tradewinds of our time....
Thank you to Randy Crawford for recording this one. I think several other artists recorded it but Randy had my attention. These words stuck in my brain back in the 80s and from time to time when I need to calm down and meditate this is one of the artists I can listen to for inspiration. I'm not really sure what my content is supposed to be today, maybe just to talk something out and maybe somebody somewhere reading this is needing to talk out the same thing. Who knows *kanye shrug*.
Those lyrics above and the first song playing in your theme music describes what i've been dealing with all my life. Seems like i've never fit in anywhere i think from birth i've felt like an outcast. Born to two college students and left by myself (for the most part) to figure life out and even though i had no true teachers for certain things, when i didn't figure stuff out, i'd get ridiculed and/or made fun of...by adults...really? oh don't get it twisted, it's very easy to be in a HUGE family/group and feel lonely. How does one grow into a confident adult when your foundation is laced with ridicule? And then at school to be ridiculed because you didn't look like every other girl...yep i was the tall, skinny (90 pounds wet), dark skinned girl, the only thing that saved me was my talent (singing, playing piano) and the fact that was related to all of Brenham in some sort of way. It was in high school that I learned to develop walls and tough skin. You've got to learn to laugh it off when someone makes fun of you because your mother takes you to Houston (the city) to get your hair braided and nobody in your small town is wearing their hair like that. So you get made fun of for the fact that in the winter time, instead of a regular coat everybody else is wearing in the winter, you got Ugg boots with fur, a leather pant suit and floor length rabbit fur to keep you warm...i should mention this was in the 80s. Yep I was different...how dare i be different...and if i'd just stuck with my stubborness of being different i'd be in a whole different world right now. but at some point, my will broke and became somewhat like everybody else...well i tried to be. It was at this point that i realized i'm not like everybody else...at all.
The tradewinds of my life right now is that i'm still trying to fit a square peg into a circle. I'm slowly inching myself over to the right square opening but at this age, I'm feeling a tad vexed and upset at myself because I took so freakin' long to do it. I worked with one of my fave ATL bands last night Gurufish ..working the merch table and when i got home last night, I had added $$ to my pocket versus spending $$ on drinks or admission or whatever. and i'm thinking this morning, you know that's exactly what i'm supposed to be doing...adding $$ to my pockets at the end of the night versus spending $$..this just adds to the motivation to keep going in the route i'm going..i'm talking about school/sound engineering or wherever this degree takes me. i'm connected to toooooooo many industry/entertainment/musician people as true friends to not be about to do some damage in my old age. one thing that saddens me is that i've let my internal confusion take too much time and i won't get to be a mommy. i didn't think it would effect me as much as it does..but it does. yep my first marriage was a bust and i've seen a lot of infidelity but the deepest part of me still believes in one love, being the apple of "his" eye, one family unit versus the new baby mama/daddy thing that's happening. Not sure what's going to happen there but that's too emotional to deal with right now.
Wow i'm sharing some stuff right now...whomever is need of this let me close out by saying..don't let life drag you down...don't let your circumstances, your current circumstances drag you down and make you count yourself out of the game of life. Keep fighting, keep your passion alive, do it..do NOT leave this earth without experiencing what it's like to do your thing! And don't EVER tell yourself you're not good enough, that in itself will knock you out of the running when opportunity comes up. You'll talk your own self out of the game...DON'T do it!! Stay in there...God will send you friends that are there for you to keep you uplifted..listen to them and store what they tell you in your spiritual mind/ear. When you need it, it'll come back and even though i don't have one here in the "A"..find a ministry that can be your foundation in the Word. Find a place that will show you how to read, study and apply those scriptures to your life. That's really what God wants us to do anyway..learn and apply. all of the other pomp and circumstance is fluff and should be ignored. (but that's a WHOLE nother story)
So......i need to go get dressed now..i've told myself we are going to church today and i will not do a self-sabotage move and be late. So thank you for traveling with me..and remember to stay motivated and cherish the love you have, every moment as long as you shall live...
*peace and blessings*
*click here for your theme music*
I woke up this morning with a song in my head that is on repeat which is a good thing..it's a great song, great artist, great lyrics. The words definitely fit my outlook on life, describes a lot of what i'm looking at, feeling like.
Here i stand looking, looking around me
While all around me what do I see
unhappy faces, behind a painted smile
heartache and lonliness dressed in modern style
unhappy people living in sin and shame
reflections of myself, life is no easy game
we're caught in the tradewinds..the tradewinds of our time....
Thank you to Randy Crawford for recording this one. I think several other artists recorded it but Randy had my attention. These words stuck in my brain back in the 80s and from time to time when I need to calm down and meditate this is one of the artists I can listen to for inspiration. I'm not really sure what my content is supposed to be today, maybe just to talk something out and maybe somebody somewhere reading this is needing to talk out the same thing. Who knows *kanye shrug*.
Those lyrics above and the first song playing in your theme music describes what i've been dealing with all my life. Seems like i've never fit in anywhere i think from birth i've felt like an outcast. Born to two college students and left by myself (for the most part) to figure life out and even though i had no true teachers for certain things, when i didn't figure stuff out, i'd get ridiculed and/or made fun of...by adults...really? oh don't get it twisted, it's very easy to be in a HUGE family/group and feel lonely. How does one grow into a confident adult when your foundation is laced with ridicule? And then at school to be ridiculed because you didn't look like every other girl...yep i was the tall, skinny (90 pounds wet), dark skinned girl, the only thing that saved me was my talent (singing, playing piano) and the fact that was related to all of Brenham in some sort of way. It was in high school that I learned to develop walls and tough skin. You've got to learn to laugh it off when someone makes fun of you because your mother takes you to Houston (the city) to get your hair braided and nobody in your small town is wearing their hair like that. So you get made fun of for the fact that in the winter time, instead of a regular coat everybody else is wearing in the winter, you got Ugg boots with fur, a leather pant suit and floor length rabbit fur to keep you warm...i should mention this was in the 80s. Yep I was different...how dare i be different...and if i'd just stuck with my stubborness of being different i'd be in a whole different world right now. but at some point, my will broke and became somewhat like everybody else...well i tried to be. It was at this point that i realized i'm not like everybody else...at all.
The tradewinds of my life right now is that i'm still trying to fit a square peg into a circle. I'm slowly inching myself over to the right square opening but at this age, I'm feeling a tad vexed and upset at myself because I took so freakin' long to do it. I worked with one of my fave ATL bands last night Gurufish ..working the merch table and when i got home last night, I had added $$ to my pocket versus spending $$ on drinks or admission or whatever. and i'm thinking this morning, you know that's exactly what i'm supposed to be doing...adding $$ to my pockets at the end of the night versus spending $$..this just adds to the motivation to keep going in the route i'm going..i'm talking about school/sound engineering or wherever this degree takes me. i'm connected to toooooooo many industry/entertainment/musician people as true friends to not be about to do some damage in my old age. one thing that saddens me is that i've let my internal confusion take too much time and i won't get to be a mommy. i didn't think it would effect me as much as it does..but it does. yep my first marriage was a bust and i've seen a lot of infidelity but the deepest part of me still believes in one love, being the apple of "his" eye, one family unit versus the new baby mama/daddy thing that's happening. Not sure what's going to happen there but that's too emotional to deal with right now.
Wow i'm sharing some stuff right now...whomever is need of this let me close out by saying..don't let life drag you down...don't let your circumstances, your current circumstances drag you down and make you count yourself out of the game of life. Keep fighting, keep your passion alive, do it..do NOT leave this earth without experiencing what it's like to do your thing! And don't EVER tell yourself you're not good enough, that in itself will knock you out of the running when opportunity comes up. You'll talk your own self out of the game...DON'T do it!! Stay in there...God will send you friends that are there for you to keep you uplifted..listen to them and store what they tell you in your spiritual mind/ear. When you need it, it'll come back and even though i don't have one here in the "A"..find a ministry that can be your foundation in the Word. Find a place that will show you how to read, study and apply those scriptures to your life. That's really what God wants us to do anyway..learn and apply. all of the other pomp and circumstance is fluff and should be ignored. (but that's a WHOLE nother story)
So......i need to go get dressed now..i've told myself we are going to church today and i will not do a self-sabotage move and be late. So thank you for traveling with me..and remember to stay motivated and cherish the love you have, every moment as long as you shall live...
*peace and blessings*
Sunday, August 19, 2012
If Only For a Moment....
Hello World...
my inner voice started talking to me again, so i need to get this out quickly....
*i wanna give a shout-out to my ATL homette Tina ATL..lemme tell you, if you EVER wanna get drenched in some poem erotica, if you ever want to go to a unique date night/romantic event...this is who you need to take heed to. This lady is the truth! My next installment is not all the way on her level erotica but is done in the spirit of intmacy and romance which is erotica's foundation. enjoy.*
*click here for your mood music*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*peace and blessings*
(2nd installment by Nissa K)
Created/Owned by Annissa K Elliott
my inner voice started talking to me again, so i need to get this out quickly....
*i wanna give a shout-out to my ATL homette Tina ATL..lemme tell you, if you EVER wanna get drenched in some poem erotica, if you ever want to go to a unique date night/romantic event...this is who you need to take heed to. This lady is the truth! My next installment is not all the way on her level erotica but is done in the spirit of intmacy and romance which is erotica's foundation. enjoy.*
*click here for your mood music*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Only For a Moment
If only for a moment...
the feel of the strength in your arms
If only for a moment...
the light headedness that hits me as i inhale your cologne
If only for a moment...
the feel of the light kisses on my neck and shoulders
If only for a moment...
the support felt by knowing you are in my corner
If only for a moment...
the warm fuzzies felt just by your presence
If only for a moment...
the school girl giddiness I feel by your voice on the other line
If only for a moment...
the way my whole body responds to you
As a woman...any woman out there can testify...i'd like to experience all of that even if only for a moment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*peace and blessings*
(2nd installment by Nissa K)
Created/Owned by Annissa K Elliott
Saturday, August 18, 2012
What I wouldn't do....
Hello World....
*click here for your theme music*
My eyes were closed by my internal voice was like "hey we up..open the eyes..." so at 6am, i was up. LOL! And the theme music you are jammin' to was playing in my mind so I started thinking about the lyrics. Basically the song is speaking about people falling in love, singers singing about love versus people just making $$. It's true love is not spread throughout all genres like it used to be. And the version presented to the newer generations is so warped, it's scary. Being tatted up, speaking incorrectly, being a baby mama or a fiancee for 20 years but never a wife with multiple kids, being called a bitch or a whore, being hit upside the head, doing drugs, wearing a bunch of jewelry all in the name of money and being a stripper...like this is what love is for these kids and they have bringing babies into this. When you sit there a smoke weed with your kid in the room, your kid is also smoking weed, it's called contact smoke. "HELLO!!!" So don't be surprised when your kid is pointed out as having behavioral issues later in life..you started it!
But I digress, life used to be about being happy, being loved, being a wife/husband, raising a family. Now...not so much. What I wouldn't do to somehow go back to that feeling...it's bananas! There are artists out there trying to do things to talk to the kids to show 'em a better path but for some reason the evil side seems to be winning. But maybe not. Anyway...my original idea for this post for on a romantic level but it has morphed into something else. LOL! enjoy this emotional ride with me...i'm almost done.
So I would like to know what it feels like to be in love and be the apple in some guy's eye. 3 things I need for him to do, besides us needing to be compatible, I need him to - provide, protect, cherish...those three things cover a whole gambit of things in a relationship. It's nice to be considered a man's ultimate treasure/gift. It's beautiful to know the feeling of being loved...the smell of his cologne..the strength of his arms as they wrap around you....mmph! sorry i zoned out for a hot second. HA!! but it is a beautiful thang! LOL...anyway...enjoy your weekend. If you are in the ATL there a few big thangs happening this weekend so have fun. I was supposed to be in Texas celebrating with my family this weekend but some thangs fell thru so i'm in the "A". But it is what it is..............................................................................
*Enjoy life.....peace and blessings*
*click here for your theme music*
My eyes were closed by my internal voice was like "hey we up..open the eyes..." so at 6am, i was up. LOL! And the theme music you are jammin' to was playing in my mind so I started thinking about the lyrics. Basically the song is speaking about people falling in love, singers singing about love versus people just making $$. It's true love is not spread throughout all genres like it used to be. And the version presented to the newer generations is so warped, it's scary. Being tatted up, speaking incorrectly, being a baby mama or a fiancee for 20 years but never a wife with multiple kids, being called a bitch or a whore, being hit upside the head, doing drugs, wearing a bunch of jewelry all in the name of money and being a stripper...like this is what love is for these kids and they have bringing babies into this. When you sit there a smoke weed with your kid in the room, your kid is also smoking weed, it's called contact smoke. "HELLO!!!" So don't be surprised when your kid is pointed out as having behavioral issues later in life..you started it!
But I digress, life used to be about being happy, being loved, being a wife/husband, raising a family. Now...not so much. What I wouldn't do to somehow go back to that feeling...it's bananas! There are artists out there trying to do things to talk to the kids to show 'em a better path but for some reason the evil side seems to be winning. But maybe not. Anyway...my original idea for this post for on a romantic level but it has morphed into something else. LOL! enjoy this emotional ride with me...i'm almost done.
So I would like to know what it feels like to be in love and be the apple in some guy's eye. 3 things I need for him to do, besides us needing to be compatible, I need him to - provide, protect, cherish...those three things cover a whole gambit of things in a relationship. It's nice to be considered a man's ultimate treasure/gift. It's beautiful to know the feeling of being loved...the smell of his cologne..the strength of his arms as they wrap around you....mmph! sorry i zoned out for a hot second. HA!! but it is a beautiful thang! LOL...anyway...enjoy your weekend. If you are in the ATL there a few big thangs happening this weekend so have fun. I was supposed to be in Texas celebrating with my family this weekend but some thangs fell thru so i'm in the "A". But it is what it is..............................................................................
*Enjoy life.....peace and blessings*
Friday, August 17, 2012
Am I Ugly?
Am I ugly to you? Because weave is not flowing from my head, held on by some glue or some thread?
You seem to think a black woman like me, should be ashamed of my natural crown because it's kinky.
Am I ugly to you? Would you prefer I go get a relaxer? You see the problem with that is that I'll have no hair after.
You see the one thing that you don't seem to understand, is that I'd rather be single with a head full of healthy hair than bald with relaxer burns and a man.
Am I ugly to you? Because you feel like hawaiian silky is better? It seems that you are more concerned with aesthetics than making our people's minds better.
You see a long time ago slave masters put us against each other by making their own mixed kids, putting them in the house and telling them they were better people, telling them that the ones with the kinky hair outside were not their equal.
And it's sad to say that it worked because as a people we haven't been the same sense. Instead of embracing our uniqueness we strive to copy others. Not realizing that an entire people kill themselves daily with plastic surgeries to look like us.
Am I ugly to you? Because I don't do what everyone else does? Well that's kinda good to hear because I like being different and going my own course.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see...how 'bout you fix your own shit and stop taking it out on me!
(created/owned By Nissa K)
*The End*
~the first poetic installment of hello world~
You seem to think a black woman like me, should be ashamed of my natural crown because it's kinky.
Am I ugly to you? Would you prefer I go get a relaxer? You see the problem with that is that I'll have no hair after.
You see the one thing that you don't seem to understand, is that I'd rather be single with a head full of healthy hair than bald with relaxer burns and a man.
Am I ugly to you? Because you feel like hawaiian silky is better? It seems that you are more concerned with aesthetics than making our people's minds better.
You see a long time ago slave masters put us against each other by making their own mixed kids, putting them in the house and telling them they were better people, telling them that the ones with the kinky hair outside were not their equal.
And it's sad to say that it worked because as a people we haven't been the same sense. Instead of embracing our uniqueness we strive to copy others. Not realizing that an entire people kill themselves daily with plastic surgeries to look like us.
Am I ugly to you? Because I don't do what everyone else does? Well that's kinda good to hear because I like being different and going my own course.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see...how 'bout you fix your own shit and stop taking it out on me!
(created/owned By Nissa K)
*The End*
~the first poetic installment of hello world~
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Follow The Signs...
Hello World...
This past week and weekend have been somewhat emotional on a very very very different level! OH yes, i'm sorry i'm almost forgot about your theme music click here and enjoy!
ok back to the blog..this week has been very emotional on a whole different level for me. I have had some recent interesting events to happen, very sudden, very powerful. Almost like God showing me the picture of the fork in the road and saying "you see your blessings happening right now, follow the path from this incident and you'll go left but if you follow this path over here you'll go right" and you know the Word speaks about wanting to do right but having the thoughts to do wrong in several places but the NIV version of Galatians 5:17 hit me best "For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want."
My spiritual background is that I was raised in a Christian household, AME (Afr Methodist Episcopal) church. My family has other spiritual giftings intertwined in our DNA that causes one to have a close link to God to understand some of the things we "know", can see and feel. We have to humble ourselves and make sure to bring things to people's attention without seeming arrogant or a know-it-all. Sometimes the opposition is so strong, it will stop us or damage us to the point of us seeing giving up as the easiest solution but I know for a fact that if you keep alert and follow the signs, your positive solution will show up! If you keep waking up, the solution will come along.
I have been in the great City of Atlanta for 8 years and i've been connected to positive, spiritual beings. It's crazy! All connected somehow to part two of Nissa K! For those that don't me, I started out early in life playing piano (age 3) and singing. My immediate talent for hearing harmonies didn't become something I was aware of until i was in my late teens and still singing in church choirs. You gave me the melody and I gave you everything else immediately. However, with no real musical mentors to guide me I had no idea what to do with this talent. So I kept on in life and felt a little lost and allowed life to steer me off course and have just now come back on the path about 20 years later and at this point I have continuously asked God to show me the big picture and He is keeping me. My church folks know what i mean by that. My biggest part and problem is my Word life has fallen off. There was a time I continuously stayed in my bible and my gift of "knowing" was strong. I could look at a person and immediately tell them something that they needed to hear...i found out later because they had been praying on it or it was just something in their spirit that they needed to hear. As my discipline slipped there, it has effected my life in general and the forces i'm fighting now are powerful but God..... Part two of Nissa K has to do with sound engineering. With this late transition and no practical applications under my belt..part of me just wants to jump into it but another part of me is overwhelmed because it's a lot of information. But I have a feeling that as soon as I submerge myself in it, it will come naturally. There was a time in my young life that I made it a point to learn something to the point of mastery because that's the standard I carried myself on...at some point my spirit was damaged and I began to give up. Now comes the time for mediocrity to be a thing of the past.
There is an Atlanta musician that I have become acquainted with that has turned his journey from young boy playing drums to a full fledged non-profit organization that helps youngsters learn the music business and also hands out scholarships to help them to the next level. I'm sure you know who I"m talking about. One of my good friends here that met thru another friend (these connections are crazy) took me to one of his annual birthday gatherings because all of my friends know how I like to celebrate my birthday and my sign (Aries stand up!) and this guy brings together real musicians and "sangers" to bring his fans real music. Well once I got connected on social network I started following this young man and his ministry is pow-er-ful! He and his other half (or as we say better half..LOL) are a grinding team. Ba-bay any event that this guy is a part of his wife is right there doing whatever needs to be done, street team, ticket seller whatever. Team J Fly is what i'm talking about. He also does an annual free (yep free) music festival in his hometown of Waycross, Ga..always the last weekend of September, this year 9-22-12 is the date to save. He has a bus that travels from Atlanta or you can drive your own car (about 3 hours) and get a room and chill-ax! Yeah so I nickname all of my fellow Aries folks "Aries" because we are very proud of our sign! LOL! (Rams stand up!) So this is one of my Aries friends and another person connected to what will be my part 2. We had a conversation recently and he found out i had NOT purchased his CD Hypnotic...i felt about 2 inches high and he didn't even talk bad to me. People work hard and deserve true support. Therefore, i went to iTunes today to find it to purchase and ended up also finding two podcasts from a jazz talk radio on-line show where J had been interviewed twice and he got a chance to give his background and tell the world why he was doing what he was doing. And by him following his dreams and enhancing his talents, he can't stop working even if he wanted to. People refer him to any and everybody that needs a drummer. Word of mouth is a powerful thang! I don't even know if he's keeping a list of the artists he's working with somewhere because listening to interviews it goes from Bootsie Collins to Kirk Franklin to Rick Ross to R. kelly to Kelly Price to Peabo Bryson...do you see the genre differences in those few names? I didn't even name the jazz artists...of which there are many! So anyway besides a shameless Aries plug for my brudda, the reason I brought this guy up is because I found out he doesn't and has never had a drink or smoke of any mood altering substances...NEVER. Very surprising for a human period (in my mind) but also for someone in the entertainment business. And I know I am a libation lover and recently hookah (haven't lit mine up yet) mainly because it makes me temporarily forget my troubles and enjoy the moment. This dude says well when i'm dealing with something that troubles me, I just pray and/or read a scripture in the bible that settles my spirit down. (what?) again I felt real reminded of my spiritual background and where I'd allowed myself to go. and i told him that shows that you are very comfortable in your skin and it immediately reminded me that apparently I am not...comfortable in my own skin. Not that an occasional glass of wine is horrible but just the fact that this guy is THAT disciplined in life just really made me re-think some of my choices. And then as I was watching the Harry Potter marathon, one of the characters had a line that spoke volumes to me. Professor Dumbeldorf told Harry Potter "it's not our abilities that create who we are but our choices" or something to that effect and that just rang loud to me in my current walk.
Two things I need to...no three things I need to immediately do:
The purpose of today's entry is to encourage those out there that are going through trials..ask God to show you the big picture and ask him to remind you who He is and whose You are and He will! I'm a living witness. And then when he shows you...Follow The Signs! Follow the signs to greatness! You'll feel yourself being pulled and the right decisions will come to you. Now I will tell you that sometimes you are put in situations that will test you immediately, especially if you've allowed yourself to become attached to an act or habit that is no good for you. Pray your way out of those situations and ask God to move you out of the way of that type of stuff and THEN stop going back to them. Feeling good is not always the main objective. Enhancing your gifts and learning should be your main objective at all times! If you are in a situation and you are NOT enhancing your gifts then you need to get out of it! Period.
So Follow The Signs!
*peace and blessings*
This past week and weekend have been somewhat emotional on a very very very different level! OH yes, i'm sorry i'm almost forgot about your theme music click here and enjoy!
ok back to the blog..this week has been very emotional on a whole different level for me. I have had some recent interesting events to happen, very sudden, very powerful. Almost like God showing me the picture of the fork in the road and saying "you see your blessings happening right now, follow the path from this incident and you'll go left but if you follow this path over here you'll go right" and you know the Word speaks about wanting to do right but having the thoughts to do wrong in several places but the NIV version of Galatians 5:17 hit me best "For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want."
My spiritual background is that I was raised in a Christian household, AME (Afr Methodist Episcopal) church. My family has other spiritual giftings intertwined in our DNA that causes one to have a close link to God to understand some of the things we "know", can see and feel. We have to humble ourselves and make sure to bring things to people's attention without seeming arrogant or a know-it-all. Sometimes the opposition is so strong, it will stop us or damage us to the point of us seeing giving up as the easiest solution but I know for a fact that if you keep alert and follow the signs, your positive solution will show up! If you keep waking up, the solution will come along.
I have been in the great City of Atlanta for 8 years and i've been connected to positive, spiritual beings. It's crazy! All connected somehow to part two of Nissa K! For those that don't me, I started out early in life playing piano (age 3) and singing. My immediate talent for hearing harmonies didn't become something I was aware of until i was in my late teens and still singing in church choirs. You gave me the melody and I gave you everything else immediately. However, with no real musical mentors to guide me I had no idea what to do with this talent. So I kept on in life and felt a little lost and allowed life to steer me off course and have just now come back on the path about 20 years later and at this point I have continuously asked God to show me the big picture and He is keeping me. My church folks know what i mean by that. My biggest part and problem is my Word life has fallen off. There was a time I continuously stayed in my bible and my gift of "knowing" was strong. I could look at a person and immediately tell them something that they needed to hear...i found out later because they had been praying on it or it was just something in their spirit that they needed to hear. As my discipline slipped there, it has effected my life in general and the forces i'm fighting now are powerful but God..... Part two of Nissa K has to do with sound engineering. With this late transition and no practical applications under my belt..part of me just wants to jump into it but another part of me is overwhelmed because it's a lot of information. But I have a feeling that as soon as I submerge myself in it, it will come naturally. There was a time in my young life that I made it a point to learn something to the point of mastery because that's the standard I carried myself on...at some point my spirit was damaged and I began to give up. Now comes the time for mediocrity to be a thing of the past.
There is an Atlanta musician that I have become acquainted with that has turned his journey from young boy playing drums to a full fledged non-profit organization that helps youngsters learn the music business and also hands out scholarships to help them to the next level. I'm sure you know who I"m talking about. One of my good friends here that met thru another friend (these connections are crazy) took me to one of his annual birthday gatherings because all of my friends know how I like to celebrate my birthday and my sign (Aries stand up!) and this guy brings together real musicians and "sangers" to bring his fans real music. Well once I got connected on social network I started following this young man and his ministry is pow-er-ful! He and his other half (or as we say better half..LOL) are a grinding team. Ba-bay any event that this guy is a part of his wife is right there doing whatever needs to be done, street team, ticket seller whatever. Team J Fly is what i'm talking about. He also does an annual free (yep free) music festival in his hometown of Waycross, Ga..always the last weekend of September, this year 9-22-12 is the date to save. He has a bus that travels from Atlanta or you can drive your own car (about 3 hours) and get a room and chill-ax! Yeah so I nickname all of my fellow Aries folks "Aries" because we are very proud of our sign! LOL! (Rams stand up!) So this is one of my Aries friends and another person connected to what will be my part 2. We had a conversation recently and he found out i had NOT purchased his CD Hypnotic...i felt about 2 inches high and he didn't even talk bad to me. People work hard and deserve true support. Therefore, i went to iTunes today to find it to purchase and ended up also finding two podcasts from a jazz talk radio on-line show where J had been interviewed twice and he got a chance to give his background and tell the world why he was doing what he was doing. And by him following his dreams and enhancing his talents, he can't stop working even if he wanted to. People refer him to any and everybody that needs a drummer. Word of mouth is a powerful thang! I don't even know if he's keeping a list of the artists he's working with somewhere because listening to interviews it goes from Bootsie Collins to Kirk Franklin to Rick Ross to R. kelly to Kelly Price to Peabo Bryson...do you see the genre differences in those few names? I didn't even name the jazz artists...of which there are many! So anyway besides a shameless Aries plug for my brudda, the reason I brought this guy up is because I found out he doesn't and has never had a drink or smoke of any mood altering substances...NEVER. Very surprising for a human period (in my mind) but also for someone in the entertainment business. And I know I am a libation lover and recently hookah (haven't lit mine up yet) mainly because it makes me temporarily forget my troubles and enjoy the moment. This dude says well when i'm dealing with something that troubles me, I just pray and/or read a scripture in the bible that settles my spirit down. (what?) again I felt real reminded of my spiritual background and where I'd allowed myself to go. and i told him that shows that you are very comfortable in your skin and it immediately reminded me that apparently I am not...comfortable in my own skin. Not that an occasional glass of wine is horrible but just the fact that this guy is THAT disciplined in life just really made me re-think some of my choices. And then as I was watching the Harry Potter marathon, one of the characters had a line that spoke volumes to me. Professor Dumbeldorf told Harry Potter "it's not our abilities that create who we are but our choices" or something to that effect and that just rang loud to me in my current walk.
Two things I need to...no three things I need to immediately do:
- Self-esteem/character building
- Read and/or listen to the Word on a weekly (probably daily) basis
- Remove self-doubt from my mental rolodex
The purpose of today's entry is to encourage those out there that are going through trials..ask God to show you the big picture and ask him to remind you who He is and whose You are and He will! I'm a living witness. And then when he shows you...Follow The Signs! Follow the signs to greatness! You'll feel yourself being pulled and the right decisions will come to you. Now I will tell you that sometimes you are put in situations that will test you immediately, especially if you've allowed yourself to become attached to an act or habit that is no good for you. Pray your way out of those situations and ask God to move you out of the way of that type of stuff and THEN stop going back to them. Feeling good is not always the main objective. Enhancing your gifts and learning should be your main objective at all times! If you are in a situation and you are NOT enhancing your gifts then you need to get out of it! Period.
So Follow The Signs!
*peace and blessings*
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
There comes a time in every [wo]man's life...
Hello World.....
There comes a time in everybody's life that he/she knows when to sit yo azz down! (click here for theme music) You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...
And after tonight, I shall continue to run like Forrest Gump shaking off his shackles! I am going to stick with my current plan and concentrate on my new promotion at work and school and getting some connections in the sound engineering world so I can transition smoothly. So I'll be zooming alright and concentrating on the right thangs!
I encourage each and everyone of you to look at your current situation, measure it by peace of mind versus the "piece" you have in mind and ask yourself "am i happy?". If your instant reaction isn't a wicked smile and a resounding "YES!" then you may need to re-think your situation and work on fixing what isn't making you happy. Bottomline, communicate with those around you to make it right, don't make assumptions and make them read your mind. Nobody knows what you are thinking but YOU! And don't play "read between the lines" either, tell people what is really, truly on your mind.
There comes a time in every [wo]man's life that they demand to be happy!
Everyone stay true, stay positive and stay optimistic!! you can win as long as you keep your head to the sky..be optimistic
*peace and blessings*
There comes a time in everybody's life that he/she knows when to sit yo azz down! (click here for theme music) You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run...
And after tonight, I shall continue to run like Forrest Gump shaking off his shackles! I am going to stick with my current plan and concentrate on my new promotion at work and school and getting some connections in the sound engineering world so I can transition smoothly. So I'll be zooming alright and concentrating on the right thangs!
I encourage each and everyone of you to look at your current situation, measure it by peace of mind versus the "piece" you have in mind and ask yourself "am i happy?". If your instant reaction isn't a wicked smile and a resounding "YES!" then you may need to re-think your situation and work on fixing what isn't making you happy. Bottomline, communicate with those around you to make it right, don't make assumptions and make them read your mind. Nobody knows what you are thinking but YOU! And don't play "read between the lines" either, tell people what is really, truly on your mind.
There comes a time in every [wo]man's life that they demand to be happy!
Everyone stay true, stay positive and stay optimistic!! you can win as long as you keep your head to the sky..be optimistic
*peace and blessings*
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
One Day at a time......
Hello World....
(side note: watching Vh1's Hollywood Exes and all this talk of crab cakes and lobster has me hungry! Closest thing in my kitchen to seafood right now is tunafish...so i'm eating me a tunafish sammich! LOL)
So I have been just taking everything one day at a time (sweet Jesus). My old school gospel folks know that song. I saw an article the other day of an athlete that had been injured and was recovering and training and he pulled up in front of his old high school and killed himself. (sigh) I really hate when i hear stories like that mainly because I feel like as long as you stay here one more day a solution will appear. The key is to let your "friends" know the problem OR heck just contact your bill collectors and work something out. Whatever the problem is it can be solved. One day at a time.
So in that same thought. I've dealt with some self-esteem issues and everytime i say or type that word I think about Katt Williams who discusses "esteem of you mu*****kn self" HA!! He's a little harsh BUT he's so right! self-esteem is something controlled ultimately by the individual. You can't let an outside source change you. So I've been getting my head right in that area lately. Especially in the love/romance department..it's amazing how that first man, first love of your life, your father can either make or break you. A-freakin'-mazin! It makes me understand a lot but it also irritates me...especially when your first love ignores you. It trains you to scramble for the attention of future potential suitors and try harder when they ignore you. Not a good thing. That area should only be reserved for those that want to protect and provide and love, no other types should be permitted. So I encourage EVERYone to continue to take life one day at a time. Don't rush to judgement or a decision. Take the time to sleep on it. So anyway yesterday a lot of stuff just rushed to a boil for me and I was feeling real real crazy, I thank God for the real "Friends" i have in my life that i can vent/rant to and that's as far as the information goes. So at the end of the day, our Division VP comes up to me and basically tells me that i'm getting a promotion and someone is going to be hired in to do what i'm doing now. So now I got to take a big girl pill and get ready to be a trainer/manager and finally act 40. Yeah chic you 40 and you need to be doing some stuff differently. (that's me talking to myself) See had I taken a different route I would've never seen the end of the day and I would've missed the job promotion. More funds, at a time when i'm getting my budget together to get ready to do some other stuff in another year. God truly works in mysterious ways. Love it!
Anyway..enjoy your life, your day, your week, your year...enjoy everything one day at a time!
*peace and blessings*
(side note: watching Vh1's Hollywood Exes and all this talk of crab cakes and lobster has me hungry! Closest thing in my kitchen to seafood right now is tunafish...so i'm eating me a tunafish sammich! LOL)
So I have been just taking everything one day at a time (sweet Jesus). My old school gospel folks know that song. I saw an article the other day of an athlete that had been injured and was recovering and training and he pulled up in front of his old high school and killed himself. (sigh) I really hate when i hear stories like that mainly because I feel like as long as you stay here one more day a solution will appear. The key is to let your "friends" know the problem OR heck just contact your bill collectors and work something out. Whatever the problem is it can be solved. One day at a time.
So in that same thought. I've dealt with some self-esteem issues and everytime i say or type that word I think about Katt Williams who discusses "esteem of you mu*****kn self" HA!! He's a little harsh BUT he's so right! self-esteem is something controlled ultimately by the individual. You can't let an outside source change you. So I've been getting my head right in that area lately. Especially in the love/romance department..it's amazing how that first man, first love of your life, your father can either make or break you. A-freakin'-mazin! It makes me understand a lot but it also irritates me...especially when your first love ignores you. It trains you to scramble for the attention of future potential suitors and try harder when they ignore you. Not a good thing. That area should only be reserved for those that want to protect and provide and love, no other types should be permitted. So I encourage EVERYone to continue to take life one day at a time. Don't rush to judgement or a decision. Take the time to sleep on it. So anyway yesterday a lot of stuff just rushed to a boil for me and I was feeling real real crazy, I thank God for the real "Friends" i have in my life that i can vent/rant to and that's as far as the information goes. So at the end of the day, our Division VP comes up to me and basically tells me that i'm getting a promotion and someone is going to be hired in to do what i'm doing now. So now I got to take a big girl pill and get ready to be a trainer/manager and finally act 40. Yeah chic you 40 and you need to be doing some stuff differently. (that's me talking to myself) See had I taken a different route I would've never seen the end of the day and I would've missed the job promotion. More funds, at a time when i'm getting my budget together to get ready to do some other stuff in another year. God truly works in mysterious ways. Love it!
Anyway..enjoy your life, your day, your week, your year...enjoy everything one day at a time!
*peace and blessings*
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Nothing to fear but your own self-doubt...
Hello World!!!!
Wow! I just had one of the most awesome opportunities in my lifetime. Through another friend, I connected with this lady that makes her money "sanging". One thing I want to do before i leave this earth because i love music, i've been singing and playing since I was 3 years old, I want to sing background vocals. I'm not and have never been the lead singing type of person, somebody has to be the backup. I love harmony, i can hear the harmony immediately, that's my talent. But somewhere in my life i gave up on myself. I let self-doubt run me. Now on the outside, I encourage all of those around me to do "it", whatever their "it" is but when it comes to me, I try to hide. So back to my recent debacle. I had a chance to audition at Club Ellery's this past Wednesday for Tabitha King and as far as the vocal part, i think i did a pretty darn good job. BUT my weakness is to stop being scared of people. OMG! I haven't been that scared since I was about 6 years old and I was at summer rec camp and I walked about 20 miles home because i felt there were too many kids standing in front of the arts and crafts building. And the end result was the same. LOL! I remember parts but not all of the actual event. Normally if i drink some liquid courage, i'm good but this time around even that didn't work.
Now here's the thing, I started out right..i talked to the band I talked to the crowd I started out good. Somewhere in the song, I froze. If i could've crawled up into myself I would have. WHY? I have NO idea. I didn't hit no bad notes, I don't know. I had a friend..heck a family member that was visiting, make that family members and one of them happen to be a music major and he helped me by having me do vocal exercises and I performed and he was able to give me tips on performing. And i mean just that, helped because I used it a little at least before I froze..LOL plus I will keep that with me ALWAYS. AND it pushes me to get off my butt and get the vocal lessons i need and get some performing experience and STOP being scared. i'm tired of being scared, i really am.
Now 1. i'm proud of me for performing. i've never performed at a nightclub out front and center. So i'm done dogging myself out. And 2. it's time to make a battle plan.
So I end this by saying There is nothing to fear but your own self-doubt..because that is YOUR fuel for fear! I encourage each of you reading this to face your battles, your obstacles and get it done. ANd know that as you move forward, the Universe, God, the Father, Allah, Jehovah is there to guide you AND whatever you need to move forward is supplied. The other night i needed encouragement and even though I chose to still be scared, that encouragement that my girlfriend gave me was needed and it was used. The Lord had my back even in the nightclub. LOL! So folks. Please believe in yourself and like the Donald Lawrence songs says sometimes you have to encourage yourself and guess what. It works.
Hugs and be well!
*Peace and Blessings*
Wow! I just had one of the most awesome opportunities in my lifetime. Through another friend, I connected with this lady that makes her money "sanging". One thing I want to do before i leave this earth because i love music, i've been singing and playing since I was 3 years old, I want to sing background vocals. I'm not and have never been the lead singing type of person, somebody has to be the backup. I love harmony, i can hear the harmony immediately, that's my talent. But somewhere in my life i gave up on myself. I let self-doubt run me. Now on the outside, I encourage all of those around me to do "it", whatever their "it" is but when it comes to me, I try to hide. So back to my recent debacle. I had a chance to audition at Club Ellery's this past Wednesday for Tabitha King and as far as the vocal part, i think i did a pretty darn good job. BUT my weakness is to stop being scared of people. OMG! I haven't been that scared since I was about 6 years old and I was at summer rec camp and I walked about 20 miles home because i felt there were too many kids standing in front of the arts and crafts building. And the end result was the same. LOL! I remember parts but not all of the actual event. Normally if i drink some liquid courage, i'm good but this time around even that didn't work.
Now here's the thing, I started out right..i talked to the band I talked to the crowd I started out good. Somewhere in the song, I froze. If i could've crawled up into myself I would have. WHY? I have NO idea. I didn't hit no bad notes, I don't know. I had a friend..heck a family member that was visiting, make that family members and one of them happen to be a music major and he helped me by having me do vocal exercises and I performed and he was able to give me tips on performing. And i mean just that, helped because I used it a little at least before I froze..LOL plus I will keep that with me ALWAYS. AND it pushes me to get off my butt and get the vocal lessons i need and get some performing experience and STOP being scared. i'm tired of being scared, i really am.
Now 1. i'm proud of me for performing. i've never performed at a nightclub out front and center. So i'm done dogging myself out. And 2. it's time to make a battle plan.
So I end this by saying There is nothing to fear but your own self-doubt..because that is YOUR fuel for fear! I encourage each of you reading this to face your battles, your obstacles and get it done. ANd know that as you move forward, the Universe, God, the Father, Allah, Jehovah is there to guide you AND whatever you need to move forward is supplied. The other night i needed encouragement and even though I chose to still be scared, that encouragement that my girlfriend gave me was needed and it was used. The Lord had my back even in the nightclub. LOL! So folks. Please believe in yourself and like the Donald Lawrence songs says sometimes you have to encourage yourself and guess what. It works.
Hugs and be well!
*Peace and Blessings*
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Go Go Gadget Fro - Follow up
so i'm still using Ovations. It's working to keep my hair on my head. i'm about to try Jane Carter's curl defining cream. I went to Roswell Road's Whole Foods today and got that plus her leave-in spray conditioner which i buy anyway. so i'm about to try it and see what my head does. At this point, Taliah Waajid's Total Mist Bodifier leave-in conditioner works wonders! Love it. But i love jane and ms jessies.
Anyway....stay tune.
Anyway....stay tune.
Speaking of Passions....Every Good Man Ain't For You
Sooooo i recently came into contact with a local talent Ms. Tabitha King. She's actually a friend of a friend and during conversation i handed her a business card which shows that I'm an alto background vocalist and she's (at some point) going to connect with me to see if my voice blends well with hers. I'm excited! I'm committed to roll with my passion in 2012. the year is almost over (well it is) and i will be on a stage doing what i love before long. that is my promise to myself. i really wanna take voice lessons though, with my voice change, i need to re-discover my range and other voice stuff. *shrug* it'll happen. ok that's it!
Roll with your passion people!
oh yeah ONE more thing - ladies - every good man ain't for you! (let it marinate)
*peace and blessings*
Roll with your passion people!
oh yeah ONE more thing - ladies - every good man ain't for you! (let it marinate)
*peace and blessings*
What are we doing people?
Hello World...
It has been a moment, a hot minute. There's a part of me that is ready to delve into the world of romance.
It has been a moment, a hot minute. There's a part of me that is ready to delve into the world of romance.
:-) (enjoy this soundtrack of love as you read) Yes I have a bunch of stuff happening in my world. I work full-time in a career field that has nothing to do with my passion, i just turned 40 and I'm a full-time student at GSU. On one hand it can be very overwhelming but on the other hand, I get to share in the joy and laughter of the passions of friends I am meeting along the way. It's a beautiful thing! A friend of mine has an annual event that started as a small house gathering and has morphed into a full event sponsored by Clayton County in Georgia and Microsoft and a few other big-time sponsors. It pays homage to local ATL talent, adults and kids in the arts by giving to Project A.R.M. and just giving a stage for talent to shine. It's the Annual Fish Fry and it ended with soul artist Philipia Williams on stage and a huge fireworks show just great!
 |
| me and the creator of the Annual Fish Fry - Anthony "AJ " Joiner |
So that was a beautiful thing to enjoy with friends and at some point i ended up winning tickets to see some jazz phenomenoms - kim waters, marion meadows and joey sommerville and paul taylor. I thought I had a date..well..yeah. So there was this dude, very cute, very articulate, accomplished and during conversation after I'd asked to roll with me to the jazz event, he let me know that he was about 8 years my junior. uuuh yeah, my spirit kinda deflated...like fa real. LOL!! So when he called to cancel, i wasn't too heartbroken. (whew) So it ended up being a girls night out which was cool de la because we ended up hanging out backstage with some folks my homegirl knew and MAN! I had a baaall... AND there was a second fish fry after the one mentioned above in a different location. A warehouse spot. $10 all you can eat fish/fries and beer. Beautiful! We stopped thru there after the jazz experience. MAN! THAT was a weekend! LOL!! So then the next day (sunday) i ended up at the national black arts festival (NBAF). Got introduced to a local soul/rhythm and blues artist by the name of Alex Lattimore . You know how you see somebody and they LOOK like they can sing? This guy had that look. ANd listen, we were outside in 90+ degree weather, no real cover where me and my homette were sitting. WE had our lawn chairs and umbrellas so he needed to BRANG it and make us feel good about baking. LOL! And listen...this guy is the business! i'm purchasing his new CD immediately. He did his thang!
Whoo i'm not sure what else I have forgot but anyway that's the beauty of editing. LOL! So...uuh...my spirit is in the process of unattaching (yeah i'll say it like that) and so i'm ready for a full bloom of love, romance and intimacy in my life. Even with the stuff that mentioned above, i'd love to have someone that appreciates that and i can share with and also support in their ventures. (le sigh) Love is a beautiful thing (you may wanna click on the soundtrack again) LOL. School is about to start for us - Fall 2012 is August 20th and i'm gearing up slowly to get back in that realm. i can't remember if i mentioned this in another post but i moved from a 2 to a 1 bedroom and believe it or not (i don't care) i still have part of my stuff in totes. i honestly need to purchase some other organizational/storage items. I still have clothing in my car that needs to be donated (just horrible). I used HUGE boxes to move and oh yes, i'm 3 floors up and so I still have two boxes that are now trash boxes still sitting in my kitchen area. I need to take to dumpster soon but they are HUGE! (argh!) Ok i'm sure this is quite enough for today. Oh yes, speaking of today a horrible tragedy happened in the wee hours of the day. During the midnite showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" a crazed idiot walked in wearing kevlar and a gas mask and dropped a gas canister and started shooting people! The cops now realize he had thousands of rounds of bullets and his home is booby-trapped. So a part of me is mourning the loss of innocent lives (and of course now no one can dress up anymore; new theater rules) but another part of me is wondering how some people feel that they use so much energy trying to keep "minorities" down (we are still fighting the Treyvon Martin incident) a societal accepted idiot walked into a place and killed a bunch of folks. i don't know maybe...whatever. society will NOT care about the deeper regions of this incident.
Hiphop lost a great pioneer Ms. Melodie passed the other night. She was only 43! I don't know what is happening with my age group but we are dropping like flies! We are NOT taking our health seriously and then you see pics of 73 year old body building ladies looking younger than us. We have to take better care of ourselves inside and out! I try to tell my mother the same thing, she's 23 years my senior but i fear it's too late. she's grown, she's gonna do what she's gonna do. I had the displeasure of watching my paternal grandfather die due to his own choices. he was a severe diabetic and would not follow the doctor's orders so he slowly got stuff amputated and eventually was bedridden, being fed by a tube. Then my grandmother died of a broken heart and in between that my grandmother's sister died (not sure of what). I lost 3 ppl around the same time that i was trying to get to know. One due to medical craziness! So anyway. What are we doing folks? Why?
Oh yeah, even though i was married before and it went waaaay wrong (found out i was married to a controlling serial marryier - new word; i was wife#4) i'd love to get married again; but guess what? i'm actually thinking of going into a co-parenting situation. No fa real. Like i've discussed it with the guy i have in mind. But a part of that is like "hmmm you're good enough to impregnate me but not enough for me to want to marry?" I think my issue is that i've gotten very very set in my ways and would and could function in a relationship like that. OMG! isn't that sad?? I don't know maybe once my mr. right finds me it'll all come together. *kanye shrug* my biggest thing is that i don't want my mom's biological line to end. my adopted sisters have kiddos but i'd love to be able to see a mini me (or two) my maternal grandfather (john elliott) was a twin i'd love to have twins or even quads and get it over with. LOL! but who knows what my body will do, what the RA will do at 40+ years. Hell i may be heading into "the change" soon, i don't know.
So with ALL of this being said, my prayers go out to families that area dealing with loss and the families of the deceased and wounded of colorado. Welp! Time for a late night fish sammich and then I'm going nite nite! :-)
*peace and blessings*
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Hey how you doing?
Hello World...
As I start to type this blog De La Soul's song "Hey How Ya Doing" is flowing thru my head. LOL! Man. I'm sitting amongst boxes and totes and unhung pictures. LOL! I got the basics hooked up though, immediately hooked up all TVs/entertainment center, phone, WiFi, kitchen stuff. So for the most part, I'm good. I have unwrapped/unpacked some of my clothing and shoes but still need to do that. I thought I was going to have more time to get to it since I knew I needed to get some other stuff done for our upcoming family reunion this Father's Day/Juneteenth Weekend however due to the same reunion, one of my uncles will be driving thru on the way to Texas and as is our family tradition, we stop in and spend time with the closest family member. So I'll have my first house guest this weekend, probably today. Therefore, I need to really re-arrange some of these boxes. Maybe even unpack some more stuff. (whew) Welp after breakfast i'm on it. So anyway people, these days things seem to be going great! I decided to remove myself from a uuuuh crazy situation recently and uuuh even though my emotions are still slowly disconnecting, I'm letting my brain run this one. LOL! I tell you what, hoooo, when you decide to connect to something, even if it's not in your best interests your emotions don't know the difference.
My lesson and piece of wisdom to you is to look out for you at all times because if you don't, no one else will. And a motto that I picked up a few years ago is to never make someone a priority that sees you as an option and MORE importantly NEVER put yourself in the option category. Ladies seem to do that from time to time. It starts out as great fun but eventually turns into something else and then you have to make a decision..stay and make yourself enjoy it or leave and mourn the loss of the closeness but enjoy the fact that you are healing and opening a door for true relationship.
I am finally starting to enjoy life, this move into this 1bdrm is another clear sign of the forward movement that is happening and I'm excited about it!
Ok that's it for now, i'm waiting for my rice to finish and then I'm getting active.
**peace and blessings*
As I start to type this blog De La Soul's song "Hey How Ya Doing" is flowing thru my head. LOL! Man. I'm sitting amongst boxes and totes and unhung pictures. LOL! I got the basics hooked up though, immediately hooked up all TVs/entertainment center, phone, WiFi, kitchen stuff. So for the most part, I'm good. I have unwrapped/unpacked some of my clothing and shoes but still need to do that. I thought I was going to have more time to get to it since I knew I needed to get some other stuff done for our upcoming family reunion this Father's Day/Juneteenth Weekend however due to the same reunion, one of my uncles will be driving thru on the way to Texas and as is our family tradition, we stop in and spend time with the closest family member. So I'll have my first house guest this weekend, probably today. Therefore, I need to really re-arrange some of these boxes. Maybe even unpack some more stuff. (whew) Welp after breakfast i'm on it. So anyway people, these days things seem to be going great! I decided to remove myself from a uuuuh crazy situation recently and uuuh even though my emotions are still slowly disconnecting, I'm letting my brain run this one. LOL! I tell you what, hoooo, when you decide to connect to something, even if it's not in your best interests your emotions don't know the difference.
My lesson and piece of wisdom to you is to look out for you at all times because if you don't, no one else will. And a motto that I picked up a few years ago is to never make someone a priority that sees you as an option and MORE importantly NEVER put yourself in the option category. Ladies seem to do that from time to time. It starts out as great fun but eventually turns into something else and then you have to make a decision..stay and make yourself enjoy it or leave and mourn the loss of the closeness but enjoy the fact that you are healing and opening a door for true relationship.
I am finally starting to enjoy life, this move into this 1bdrm is another clear sign of the forward movement that is happening and I'm excited about it!
Ok that's it for now, i'm waiting for my rice to finish and then I'm getting active.
**peace and blessings*
Monday, May 28, 2012
I'm working on it...
Hello World!!
Oh man...it's been a minute! I usually do a new entry weekly either home or at work but the IE version at work does not work with google so it's no good and end of the business day leaves me drained so i don't do it at home. Soooo i've been absent for quite some time. So I have a lot to try to speak on. Let's see.....
Now as I look around me...all of these people, positive people in my life, how in the world can i allow a cloud follow me. In the name of Jesus, i speak to this evil and say GO! back to where you came! Just know...that we are blessed and Highly Favored.
Oh man...it's been a minute! I usually do a new entry weekly either home or at work but the IE version at work does not work with google so it's no good and end of the business day leaves me drained so i don't do it at home. Soooo i've been absent for quite some time. So I have a lot to try to speak on. Let's see.....
In April, I did a fashion show for ABS Fashion, had a fabulous time! Had a chance to see one of my favorite jewelry accesories from my home state. Shout out to Just Pearlz! A lot of fun connecting with the other models that usually participate AND i got a chance to meet Mrs Georgia US United, Yvette Cousin and it definitely motivated me to look more into plus size modeling because my size is 12, i plan on staying a 12 just need to stay toned up and i need to invest in some good foundation. Smooth out any lumps and bumps. LOL!!
So anyway, that was a fun time and then i got a chance to hang out with some friends and a celebration of life party. Pretty cool concept, they provided the food, the guests provided the libations and they even had a professional bartender. Then on to Eastside Lounge to party with DJ Ghost of the 5 Star Generals and Co-host extradonaire Kimberly Seabrook! Man that was MadCool!! Anyway flash forward (i'm trying to remember everything) I got the call that a one bedroom in my apartment complex has finally become available! I've been trying to get into a 1bdrm since i moved in, i had to go with what was available at the time. So that added to a list of relief/oh god i gotta pack up all this stuff/possible procrastination. So put that on the back burner since this was all in april, i finished out the Spring semester at GSU with an A- and a B! woo hoooo!! i'm so happy about that! I was a little worried for one of my classes. So i'm already registered for the Fall and I have my $$ in place! Yaaay!
I just recently had a looooong overdue conversation with my mom about some childhood issues that have plagued me all of my thinking life and it was happily a great ending. I hadn't realized how much weight it had on me, I literally felt lighter after the conversation. Beautiful! Our Turknett family reunion is coming up (Father's Day weekend - June 15-17) and my clan (Elliotts) have it for this year and next. It's possible that some other branches of cousins will be there! I'm excited! I've already had a chance to meet two cousins during my birthday Miami trip and it'll be real cool to meet more. I actually just found out that one Turknett cousin lives here in Alpharetta. Kinda cool! We haven't met up just yet but it'll happen.
I had 3 friends to celebrate college graduations this year and a few relatives, life on paper and via events is a great thing but for some reason, I just have always had this cloud in my life. I think it's because I've experienced more negative stuff than positive so now I really don't trust people. It's a crazy conflict because my normal personality is be around people and be friends and then a part of me still takes a step back.
-2009.bmp)
Most of my negative experiences had been with the romantic relationships I'd been in, the guys were controlling and sometimes abusive. But my two craziest experiences in Atlanta were in reference to two females that I had invited into my personal space. OMG! And it's crazy to now look back and see past event pics and the person you'd rather not say hello to is right there smiling in all of these pics sitting next to you. Crazy fa real!! But anyway, you cut your losses and move on and pray for their souls, God does the vengeance stuff not me.
 |
| The Graduates - Tracey & Nicole |
-2009.bmp)
So it's Memorial Day weekend and I'm actively packing to move and of course going thru some old documents and stuff, I dug up some life rules that I'd written years ago and I had to type up my handwritten notes and tape it on my mirror in my bedroom. I'd like to share those statements with you:
- Pray on every decision
- Use common sense and not emotion when making decisions
- No depression allowed! This is a new lease on life!
- Draw and fortify boundaries.
- Realize that I am allowed celebrations.
I had to re-visit my own statements! It's beautiful when you can almost go back in time and pull a positive mood from it AND it shows how far off of the path you've strayed. The great thing about that is as long as you are living, you can correct anything! So I'd slacked off of my exercising and I've been losing and gaining the same 3 pounds for a past few months. Crazy I know! My old walking partner, or i should just say walking partner has been trying to get me back out there and it just never happened. So this weekend, she called two times, early a.m. she didn't know i'd been partying the night before, LOL, so i wasn't available..knocked out cold! So as i was packing yesterday i did stop and do a little stretching and pilates stuff and then my mind told me, we are going walking in the morning. I was like, uuuuh ok. what time..my mind said about 7am. I was like uuuh ok..even had the vivid image of me walking down the sidewalk. The mind is a powerful thang because around 6:30a, my eyes popped open and i fought it until 7:30am. For some reason when i get strong, vivid suggestions I feel that if i don't do it, i'm letting myself down big time AND i'd be missing a blessing. I know it's the holy spirit, it used to give me exact words to way to perfect strangers and I'd be dead on with whatever had just happened. My family has been blessed with certain spiritual gifts and discernment was/is mine. And i've found that when I don't heed to it I get into crazy azz situations. umph! Father God! So i jump up, get dressed in my walking gear and get to it. iPod in ears, water in waste carrier thingy (can't think of the name right now), i'm walking. On my way back, the Clark Sisters "Blessed and Highly Favored" comes on. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the lyrics...
He brought me through hard trials
He brought me through tribulations
I Never let a day go by and not realize
If it Had not been for the Lord who was on my side
Back was against the wall
He looked out for me
He heard my cry and rescued me
I Never let a day go by and not realize we are blessed
Chorus:
Don't take it for granted that we are here today
Just know that we're blessed and highly favored
As I was walking past the first major goal i obtained here in Atlanta - Associates of Arts Degree at Atlanta Metropolitan College and walking towards my old street to go home back in 2004, the bridge hit:
As I look back through the years,
It's amazing how He kept me.
What the devil meant for evil,
God turned it around,
Turned it around just for my good.
I know that I am blessed and highly favored.
It reminded me of where I was when i moved here 8 years ago, what struggles I overcame. I had a determined spirit, I was not hearing no, I knew I was going to get a freakin' degree even if it killed me. I'd literally forgotten how driven i was when I moved here. I knew one person, my aunt and now 8 years and I've connected with so many positive, motivated people it's crazy! I don't know if anybody heard me singing but i was sanging that song at the top of my lungs..well as much as i could, i was hitting a major hill at the time and soon singing just became breathing. LOL!
He brought me through hard trials
He brought me through tribulations
I Never let a day go by and not realize
If it Had not been for the Lord who was on my side
Back was against the wall
He looked out for me
He heard my cry and rescued me
I Never let a day go by and not realize we are blessed
Chorus:
Don't take it for granted that we are here today
Just know that we're blessed and highly favored
As I was walking past the first major goal i obtained here in Atlanta - Associates of Arts Degree at Atlanta Metropolitan College and walking towards my old street to go home back in 2004, the bridge hit:
As I look back through the years,
It's amazing how He kept me.
What the devil meant for evil,
God turned it around,
Turned it around just for my good.
I know that I am blessed and highly favored.
It reminded me of where I was when i moved here 8 years ago, what struggles I overcame. I had a determined spirit, I was not hearing no, I knew I was going to get a freakin' degree even if it killed me. I'd literally forgotten how driven i was when I moved here. I knew one person, my aunt and now 8 years and I've connected with so many positive, motivated people it's crazy! I don't know if anybody heard me singing but i was sanging that song at the top of my lungs..well as much as i could, i was hitting a major hill at the time and soon singing just became breathing. LOL!
So after the 2 miles morning, i got home and cooked and ate breakfast and once i'm done with this, I will get back to breaking down the apartment.
It's amazing (even after the story i just told above) how one can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I'm quick to offer my services, volunteer but when it comes to me doing something....i have a really hard time asking people to help. Mainly because for some crazy reason, I feel like people don't really care or wanna help. (crazy right?) i mean how can i assume that i'm the only person in the world that likes to help people when people all over the world, the different organizations that help constantly. I don't know I'm still working on that.
It's amazing (even after the story i just told above) how one can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I'm quick to offer my services, volunteer but when it comes to me doing something....i have a really hard time asking people to help. Mainly because for some crazy reason, I feel like people don't really care or wanna help. (crazy right?) i mean how can i assume that i'm the only person in the world that likes to help people when people all over the world, the different organizations that help constantly. I don't know I'm still working on that.
I'm not sure what to entitle this blog, it's really an entry to catch up on some thoughts, so maybe i'll title it "Catching Up" we'll see.
Welp! Thank you for being a part of my world for a few moments.
Welp! Thank you for being a part of my world for a few moments.
p.s. Shout out to ATL artist Heratio Valentino for a GREAT show!! You did that dude!! The only part of the memorial day weekend I actually got out and did something. Apache and then Taqueria Tsunami for their delicious tacos (well the whole menu is great but the tacos! mmmmm) and shaking my groove thang with DJ Majestik/Deejay Deliver at One Love Fridays!! High five to my homette/poet/songstress/IT tech extraordinaire (and soon to be Clayton State graduate) Lin Marie for hanging with me! I know i tend to get the roaming gnome bug once i get out and about. LOL!!
Now as I look around me...all of these people, positive people in my life, how in the world can i allow a cloud follow me. In the name of Jesus, i speak to this evil and say GO! back to where you came! Just know...that we are blessed and Highly Favored.
*Peace and blessings*
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