Will I ever be well?

Hello World....

Uugh!

I have been sick all of my freakin' life.  Born with scoliosis which caused other skeletal deformities..meningitis...Rheumatoid Arthritis and a few other things in between.  And NOW some bullshit is happening with my lips.  YES my lips.  all of a sudden they started itching and the color lightened up, crazy!

of course i googled these symptoms (lol), iron deficiency is one reason which I've already seen a specialist for due to an anemia diagnosis.  I just realized that I've been sick my whole damn life!  I've never NOT been in some kind of pain!

And going to the doctor doesn't work.  Nothing but doctor bills and no solutions.

I'm sick of it!  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!

I REALLY need to get back to a workout regimen for 2019, I HAVE to get better.

ok...that's it.

Peace and Blessings....

Is my turn coming?

Hello world...

I've been dreaming about death lately.  Not being at soneonsom funeral I mean me being dead.  In my dreams, I'm just kinda in limbo..in a spot.  Since we don't know what it looks like to be dead.  I'm surprised when I wake up.

My dreams are part of my discernment...I think my time is coming soon.

I pray my life has been sufficient.  Who knows what will happen.

Welp....we shall see.

Stay hip, stay happy...be blessed.

Nissa K

I'm just saying...be mad later...

Hello World....

or whomever is read this...probably no one....

But anyway...so just to let you know...I am one of those people that will be sick and not mention it.  I don't mean a cold..i mean seriously ill.  So just an FYI if I happen to get a terminal diagnosis uuuuum i'm not verbalizing it....however.....if you happen to read this blog...more than likely...you'll know.

I'm just saying.....you can be mad at me later.  I'm getting cremated so you can yell at my ashes. 
(sick humor...i know...but i'll haunt you....HA!)



ok peace out colonizers and those that have been colonized....

Hello World.... She's Sad

Hello World....

I'm looking at this young lady in the mirror...she's sad...

she is sad today...it's a sadness that can not be overcome....

she's tried...and there have been some GREAT moments but they are temporary moments.  There are several things that can happen to take her to the next level....oh and she will continue to go forward and get to the next level...avoiding self-sabotage at all costs...

But....at least right now...she is still very very sad.

And today feeling very ugly....

sorry...no silver lining in this one...

hello world....losing steam...

Hello World....

ya'll..I can't lie....I'm losing steam..losing motivation....

I do have lots of stuff on my "vision board" but then everything slips my mind and I forget.  And then I see my circle of friends doing their "thang"...I mean REALLY concentrated motivated funk!

ya'll I need a a pill or a shot or something to keep the motivation going..I get spurts...but I can't hold onto it...ya'll..seriously...I'm for real.....

ok ok ok ok....lemme stop...i can't be crying sitting here at my desk....
good thing i'm off in a few minutes...but i had to get this out of my head.


ok ok ok...
peace and blessings!

Hello World... 2nd Guessing....

Hello World....

I have to laugh at myself.  Sometimes when I'm presented with a task, I go into a panic mode versus stopping and checking my files....once i calm down and check my files, I see that I've already prepared myself and I stop and smile.  I shake my head and I smile.  Another real life example that the only one second guessing myself is ME!

As always.....
Peace and Blessings!!

One of those days.....

Hello World....

I'm having one of those days....

You know when you're a tad bit depressed but you know that things can be worse so you try not to dwell in it.....but the black hole that you're standing in is just really hard to get out of right now.

Yep, I'm having one of those days.  I don't plan on dwelling in it but i'm having a moment and I refuse to pretend as if it's not happening.

I pray that things get better as the days go on.

In conclusion...be blessed!

~~Peace and Blessings~~

Self-Sabotage - i rebuke you!

Hello World....

i'm feeling the spirit of self-sabotage coming on me again.  This time in a different part of my life.  It's not financial, praise God for that, but it's physical.  My body is changing and I can no longer just do a couple of things to stay at a healthy size, I now have to do some EXTRA stuff and consistency is my weakness these days.  I'm not sure WHY but it is!

I have several fashion shows coming up and I need to be at my best.  Yes I'm a plus size model BUT I need to be a good plus size, that word is not synonymous with sloppy.

I've signed up with a trainer and did good for two weeks, even did my meal planning for a week.  And then due to other schedule issues, I haven't been back.  That's not an excuse though because I have a free fitness center in my work building.  AND my zumba class are not far from me.  Like I have NO excuse.  And then I know that this all makes me depressed and I don't want to be depressed.

Lord help me, continue to whisper to my spirit man to encourage me to be the best Nissa that I can be.

In Jesus name...

Amen!

~Peace and Blessings~

Hello World...I'm Scared!

Hello World....

I'm scared.....and this is a serious issue that I don't think can be fixed.

my high school years, I had a crazy accident during a track meet, I fell over a hurdle head first on a gravel track.  The result was a concussion and I'd have occasional headaches.  I told my mom and she took me to the doctor but the doctor just patted my head and basically said it was all in my head.  After that, I noticed that I'd have moments of fuzziness, like I'd existed for days, sometimes weeks and then one day I'd wake up and I had no idea what had taken place.  I still don't know what happened to my flute.  I just remember "waking up" one day and I was in the band room and I didn't have one anymore.  I still don't know what happened to my mom's blue jean jacket that I used to love...one day I had it...the next I didn't.  Mom...if you ever get to read this i'm sorry.

Flash forward to some years later, I develop a crazy ass strain of meningitis.  my brain was swollen up to about 3 times its size, i was in the hospital for weeks.  I survived but since then I've noticed a different kind of forgetfulness.  I love words, love writing...I now would be in the middle of a sentence and forget the word to use or be looking at an object and forget what to call it.

I've watched my granny die slowly of a dementia-like disease, I watched one of my aunts die slowly and another aunt is heading in that direction.  It's very similar to alzheimer's but it's actually the plaque that clogs the arteries and slows down blood to the brain.

This is making me scared to live.  making me scared to include others in my personal space.  I don't wanna be a burden to anyone  I don't know WHEN this is going to hit me.  Im not having a good memory day today (6/8/18) and it's making me scared.

I've just recently shot a movie short called "second thought" with TLB Productions that tells my story of a planned suicide but the spirits wouldn't let me.  It brought back some memories...good and bad...i surround myself with positive vibes and prayer...

i'm not sure if anyone else will ever read this...if so, now you know...if you didn't.

~Nissa k~

Hello World....Birthday 2018

Hello World....


In two days I will be another year older.  I'm not ashamed of the number it's "46"...I'm a proud member of The Lyngale Agency, a group of men and women doing their thing in the entertainment/production industry and we are 40 and older!

Only thing is I'm noticing that my energy surrounding my upcoming date is not buzzing as it normally does.  It makes me a little nervous because I'm doing the minimum this year and it makes me wonder what the heck is about to happen.  Will I get to see my birthday?  What does the Universe have in store for me?  My spirit man just feels blah...nothing exciting.  I couldn't even think of a cool party idea I mean i'm going to have fun at our karaoke party but my ideas were not aplenty this year.  I'm nervous!

Well we'll see what happens....if this is my last post ever...just know that I'm sending ALL positive vibes to you and your kin. :-D

Aries season is on the way!

~~ peace and blessings~~
Nissa K

Hello World....Daddy's Girl

Hello World....

My name is Peanut and in my other life I'm a daddy's girl.  My parents were college sweethearts and they agreed to raise me with the love that they held for each other.  My mom is now an Air Force Veteran as she served as a nurse for 30 years and my dad served in the Army as an Electrical Engineer.  Even though they served in two different branches, they always made sure that we had family time.

I'm his eldest child and later my little sister and brother were born.  I inherited the music gene from my mom's side of the family, not the greatest in math like my father but he was always there to help with that extra tutoring that was needed.

In my other life, I listened to my Godfather (my mom's 2nd oldest brother) when he gave me financial advice.  My credit is stellar and I'm enjoying a life of music production and background vocalist life.  I don't live in one permanent place except for the flat that I keep in London.  I travel quite a bit so I allow my flat to be listed on Air BnB for travelers/tourists.  When I'm in the states I visit with my mom's side.  We are a HUGE family so it's always a family reunion.

In my other life I chose all of the right paths and life is all good.

Hello World....
My name is Peanut and in my other life I'm a daddy's girl.

#IfOnly #MakeAPlan #PlanToWork #HelloWorld

Real Talk...

Hello world....
The last post wasn't a good spot in my personal history.  But I will say that things have turned around considerably!  But now, my scaredy cat part wants to tuck tail & hide.  Lately my dude & my Father has been my support in aLOT!! Oh man!  I'm being given opportunities out the wazoo...not totally free but at this point I'm juggling some bill pay backs & this 2017/2018 winter season with the 60% increase on my utility bill is NOT helping!! 😱😱

But I'm figuring shit out!

So more to come from me...more good positive stuff!

#RealTalk ya girl is scared!!!!
Lol.....but pushing forward

~Peace & Blessings~

Hello world....

I'm not having a good day at all.  Shit is just wack.  I was talking to a friend of mine and this text that I never sent to him made me realize something.  I'll share only because no one pays attention to this blog anyway so no one will know.....
----------------------------&&&&&---------------------------
"Welp. That last conversation was embarrassing.  Yes my whole current life/situation is because of choices I've made so I can only be upset at me.  I can only be frustrated with me.  Nope i haven't created the best situation, but I'm attempting to move my mindset in a different direction.  Thinking & planning on a positive plan on a different plane.  Yet even with all of that and being positive and just keeping my head up & attempting to not think negatively about myself, spiritual & all I'm still human.  I'm looking in the mirror & I'm not liking who I see.  I'm sure the easy, quick response is fix it! That is easy for someone else to say, it's deeper than a quick fix and I'm not sure I'll ever figure out how to fix it.  The depression that I've fought my whole life is finally coming full circle, bubbling to the surface and I don't know how I'm about to handle this.  The common denominator of my problems is me.  The root of the problem is me.  If I'm no longer here, the problems would go away.  The world would be the better for it.  I'm sure of it.  I probably won't send this to you.  I'm not even sure how you even see me.  After today's convo, you probably wouldn't mind disconnecting.  I'll probably never bring this up again but it's abuzz in my mental space.  I'll just continue on with life fighting to push through, pretending to be happy 100% of the time vs the true 15% of the time. I pray that God sends me an angel, this time this isn't looking good.
*Peace & blessings*
~Nissa k~"