Tradewinds of our times...

Hello World...
*click here for your theme music*

I woke up this morning with a song in my head that is on repeat which is a good thing..it's a great song, great artist, great lyrics.  The words definitely fit my outlook on life, describes a lot of what i'm looking at, feeling like.

Here i stand looking, looking around me
While all around me what do I see
unhappy faces, behind a painted smile
heartache and lonliness dressed in modern style
unhappy people living in sin and shame
reflections of myself, life is no easy game
we're caught in the tradewinds..the tradewinds of our time....

Thank you to Randy Crawford for recording this one.  I think several other artists recorded it but Randy had my attention.  These words stuck in my brain back in the 80s and from time to time when I need to calm down and meditate this is one of the artists I can listen to for inspiration.  I'm not really sure what my content is supposed to be today, maybe just to talk something out and maybe somebody somewhere reading this is needing to talk out the same thing. Who knows *kanye shrug*.

Those lyrics above and the first song playing in your theme music describes what i've been dealing with all my life.  Seems like i've never fit in anywhere i think from birth i've felt like an outcast. Born to two college students and left by myself (for the most part) to figure life out and even though i had no true teachers for certain things, when i didn't figure stuff out, i'd get ridiculed and/or made fun of...by adults...really? oh don't get it twisted, it's very easy to be in a HUGE family/group and feel lonely.  How does one grow into a confident adult when your foundation is laced with ridicule?  And then at school to be ridiculed because you didn't look like every other girl...yep i was the tall, skinny (90 pounds wet), dark skinned girl, the only thing that saved me was my talent (singing, playing piano) and the fact that was related to all of Brenham in some sort of way. It was in high school that I learned to develop walls and tough skin. You've got to learn to laugh it off when someone makes fun of you because your mother takes you to Houston (the city) to get your hair braided and nobody in your small town is wearing their hair like that. So you get made fun of for the fact that in the winter time, instead of a regular coat everybody else is wearing in the winter, you got Ugg boots with fur, a leather pant suit and floor length rabbit fur to keep you warm...i should mention this was in the 80s.  Yep I was different...how dare i be different...and if i'd just stuck with my stubborness of being different i'd be in a whole different world right now.  but at some point, my will broke and became somewhat like everybody else...well i tried to be. It was at this point that i realized i'm not like everybody else...at all.

The tradewinds of my life right now is that i'm still trying to fit a square peg into a circle.  I'm slowly inching myself over to the right square opening but at this age, I'm feeling a tad vexed and upset at myself because I took so freakin' long to do it.  I worked with one of my fave ATL bands last night Gurufish ..working the merch table and when i got home last night, I had added $$ to my pocket versus spending $$ on drinks or admission or whatever. and i'm thinking this morning, you know that's exactly what i'm supposed to be doing...adding $$ to my pockets at the end of the night versus spending $$..this just adds to the motivation to keep going in the route i'm going..i'm talking about school/sound engineering or wherever this degree takes me. i'm connected to toooooooo many industry/entertainment/musician people as true friends to not be about to do some damage in my old age.  one thing that saddens me is that i've let my internal confusion take too much time and i won't get to be a mommy. i didn't think it would effect me as much as it does..but it does. yep my first marriage was a bust and i've seen a lot of infidelity but the deepest part of me still believes in one love, being the apple of "his" eye, one family unit versus the new baby mama/daddy thing that's happening. Not sure what's going to happen there but that's too emotional to deal with right now.

Wow i'm sharing some stuff right now...whomever is need of this let me close out by saying..don't let life drag you down...don't let your circumstances, your current circumstances drag you down and make you count yourself out of the game of life.  Keep fighting, keep your passion alive, do it..do NOT leave this earth without experiencing what it's like to do your thing!  And don't EVER tell yourself you're not good enough, that in itself will knock you out of the running when opportunity comes up.  You'll talk your own self out of the game...DON'T do it!!  Stay in there...God will send you friends that are there for you to keep you uplifted..listen to them and store what they tell you in your spiritual mind/ear.  When you need it, it'll come back and even though i don't have one here in the "A"..find a ministry that can be your foundation in the Word.  Find a place that will show you how to read, study and apply those scriptures to your life.  That's really what God wants us to do anyway..learn and apply.  all of the other pomp and circumstance is fluff and should be ignored. (but that's a WHOLE nother story)

So......i need to go get dressed now..i've told myself we are going to church today and i will not do a self-sabotage move and be late.  So thank you for traveling with me..and remember to stay motivated and cherish the love you have, every moment as long as you shall live...

*peace and blessings*