Hello World...
So I'm watching "Sliding Doors" and if you haven't seen it, you should. If you like drama and a GREAT, solid storyline you should see it. It's an older one that came out in '98 but very very very good!
The basic storyline (without giving it away) is a lady goes to work and gets laid off. The story splits when she leaves, one version of herself makes the train to go home, the other version misses the train and has to catch a cab home. That's when it gets interesting. It makes one think of the choices we make and what other tasks we'd end up doing. At one point, Gwyneth Paltrow's character passes by a place that both versions of her character are near and has a case of deja vu. It's as if her spirit senses that she's supposed to be there. The catch is in one scene she's talking to a friend about being tired at work and in the other scene she's on a boat on the river cheering on a new guy friend. Clearly having more fun. That just made me think about our life choices.
Anyway, maybe it's just me. Hope your 2013 is going well...Remember to Expect Greatness!!!
*peace and blessings*
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It's a new year of GREATNESS!
Hello World...
2013 came in for me with awesome music and a great group of people! I was in volunteer mode for the Ken Ford 70s NYE concert and we had a BLAST!!!!
All last year I asked for a reset button..."Lord give me a reset button to stop this negativity...Lord i wish i could go back in time to stop the negativity" and guess what i got it!! It's so weird, my mindset is so different right now! Nope I'm not walking around hollering "BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED" every second and grinning like a zoned out zombie but my mindset about life is really different right now! I'm accepting the consequences of some actions I did or didn't do last year and moving forward. Either way I'm going to be blessed, no time to cry about what should've been done...it's TOO late!
This year is greatness, period. I'm not doing anything else. No self-pity, nothing. I'm stepping up to plate and handling business. Get in where you fit in..And I got my ticket to the 2013 Entertainment Gala...You better get yours!!! I WILL be in the building!! Now I have to find me a winter formal.
Peace and love...Love ya'll - Nissa K
2013 came in for me with awesome music and a great group of people! I was in volunteer mode for the Ken Ford 70s NYE concert and we had a BLAST!!!!
All last year I asked for a reset button..."Lord give me a reset button to stop this negativity...Lord i wish i could go back in time to stop the negativity" and guess what i got it!! It's so weird, my mindset is so different right now! Nope I'm not walking around hollering "BLESSED AND HIGHLY FAVORED" every second and grinning like a zoned out zombie but my mindset about life is really different right now! I'm accepting the consequences of some actions I did or didn't do last year and moving forward. Either way I'm going to be blessed, no time to cry about what should've been done...it's TOO late!
This year is greatness, period. I'm not doing anything else. No self-pity, nothing. I'm stepping up to plate and handling business. Get in where you fit in..And I got my ticket to the 2013 Entertainment Gala...You better get yours!!! I WILL be in the building!! Now I have to find me a winter formal.
Peace and love...Love ya'll - Nissa K
Friday, December 28, 2012
I'm not real sure....
Hello World....
Thank you for tuning in - it's December 28th 2012 and as I look back on my emotional rollercoaster type life i'm not real sure about what I'm doing.
I've been given a few opportunities but I seem to self-sabotage right when I get to the "blessing" part and then that makes me wanna back off and not do what i'm supposed to do. Forward movement is truly the key but when one side wants to move forward and the other wants to hibernate and hide in a bottle it's a little hard to really function. I mean really focus and function. That damn imp named "self-sabotage" and guess what part of that word is "self" *gasp* which means it's in my control. [raise ya hand if you want to just step on your own toes until you snap yourself out of "it".] *ARGH!!!* [hand is raised]
So even as I bask in the warmth of the positive vibes that I am surrounded by with my friends, which (by the way) also keep me grounded and motivated to go forward. LOL!! Even as I bask and move forward I have moments of panic and stopped motion. Sad but true. I really just want to (and i've said this before) either:
1. go back to the 1980s and catch myself right before i turn my motivation off
or
2. Find me a hypnotist that can turn off the negativity in my brain
i've wasted too much time even thinking about it..2013 I shall concentrate on thinking about the positive outcomes AND to stop putting myself down and speaking back/stupid outcomes into existence! I shall! I shall! I shall!
In Jesus name....Amen!
*peace and blessings~~and happy kwanza*
Thank you for tuning in - it's December 28th 2012 and as I look back on my emotional rollercoaster type life i'm not real sure about what I'm doing.
I've been given a few opportunities but I seem to self-sabotage right when I get to the "blessing" part and then that makes me wanna back off and not do what i'm supposed to do. Forward movement is truly the key but when one side wants to move forward and the other wants to hibernate and hide in a bottle it's a little hard to really function. I mean really focus and function. That damn imp named "self-sabotage" and guess what part of that word is "self" *gasp* which means it's in my control. [raise ya hand if you want to just step on your own toes until you snap yourself out of "it".] *ARGH!!!* [hand is raised]
So even as I bask in the warmth of the positive vibes that I am surrounded by with my friends, which (by the way) also keep me grounded and motivated to go forward. LOL!! Even as I bask and move forward I have moments of panic and stopped motion. Sad but true. I really just want to (and i've said this before) either:
1. go back to the 1980s and catch myself right before i turn my motivation off
or
2. Find me a hypnotist that can turn off the negativity in my brain
i've wasted too much time even thinking about it..2013 I shall concentrate on thinking about the positive outcomes AND to stop putting myself down and speaking back/stupid outcomes into existence! I shall! I shall! I shall!
In Jesus name....Amen!
*peace and blessings~~and happy kwanza*
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Days like this...
Hello World....
it's a few days before Christmas which, for the first time ever, doesn't mean traveling for me. yep this year christmas and new years will see me here in Atlanta, GA. i messed around and double booked myself for christmas parties..LOL..so i'll be doing some traveling looks like, but not 12 hours worth. (whew!)
anyway, today is Sunday 12-16-12 and church was great (wileyjackson.org) at Gospel Tabernacle. Yep i'm still upstairs in the audio ministry and Bishop Jackson continued his sermons on "the purpose of the church". Today's was NICENESS - II Corin. 5 - 1. to be a place of reconciliation 2. to be a place to share your gifts 3. to point others to the solution - at the end, Bishop prophesied that God would reconcile our life/make all of the transactions balanced. A definite shouting moment but my mind went to "but what if your imbalance is due to your own stupid choices/actions...then what?" but i reveled as much as i could, definitely enjoyed seeing others get their shout on.
Came home to a clean home and continued washing clothes and need to wash the dishes i dirtied yesterday. Need to write my scholarship letters to get some $$$ for the spring and possibly fall next year. i'm officially out of student loan $$. it's amazing the colleges increase tuition but the fed govt forgot to do the same increase of how much students can borrow. isn't that amazing? So this is one of those days that I have a tumbler with something brown in it chillin' around the crib. LOL! There was nothing left this month for DirecTV so i'm watching DVD movies and hitting up the internet for entertainment. one of my fb connects DJ Loweki has shared his podmatic link so i'm on here checking out his live mixes and i'm hooked. He has my attention right now. So i have my laptop hooked up to my surround sound system jammin'. i don't want my downstairs neighbor upset so the subwoofer is turned down. LOL. yep i was one of the 90's teens rolling around in my mama's car with the boomin' system! LOL! thanks Nissan for hooking that Stanza up like that! Niceness!!
It's chilly outside and raining. This is one of those days me and my hunny would've cooked together and would be eating and chillin' together at the house. snuggling and stuff. Days like this....so you ask " so where he at, why that ain't happening?" oh yes because i'm single. O_o and it seems that all of the men that seem to be interesting and are equipped with the right equipment are taken. :-(
i'm still working that corporate j.o.b. mon-friday 8a to 6p as an admin. they call me an office manager but i know the real deal. i didn't get any extra extra money for the extra benefits. so whatever. the upside is i'm getting to work with our visual media group doing some audio stuff. this should be nice!
Days like this....sometimes i vaguely remember what it was like to be a wife...before he revealed his true assholeness, it was nice. i can be honest and say that. HOWever, these days i'm trying to start to a new a career so don't need control freak issues happening. and i just realized, i haven't done a black tie event in awhile. i was just talking to one of my cousins about doing one a month and realized i hadn't done it. i used to hit up black ties on a regular. i haven't purchased a gown or cocktail dress in a looooong time. not a good thing!
Days like this....unlike the song, my mama didn't tell me anything about days like this. i discovered them on my own. I have an arrangement in my head for a gospel song that I love..i need to get it recorded ASAP and upload it to my sound cloud and reverbnation page. If i don't use it i'll lose it.
ok heading back to my tumbler.
*peace and hair grease*
it's a few days before Christmas which, for the first time ever, doesn't mean traveling for me. yep this year christmas and new years will see me here in Atlanta, GA. i messed around and double booked myself for christmas parties..LOL..so i'll be doing some traveling looks like, but not 12 hours worth. (whew!)
anyway, today is Sunday 12-16-12 and church was great (wileyjackson.org) at Gospel Tabernacle. Yep i'm still upstairs in the audio ministry and Bishop Jackson continued his sermons on "the purpose of the church". Today's was NICENESS - II Corin. 5 - 1. to be a place of reconciliation 2. to be a place to share your gifts 3. to point others to the solution - at the end, Bishop prophesied that God would reconcile our life/make all of the transactions balanced. A definite shouting moment but my mind went to "but what if your imbalance is due to your own stupid choices/actions...then what?" but i reveled as much as i could, definitely enjoyed seeing others get their shout on.
Came home to a clean home and continued washing clothes and need to wash the dishes i dirtied yesterday. Need to write my scholarship letters to get some $$$ for the spring and possibly fall next year. i'm officially out of student loan $$. it's amazing the colleges increase tuition but the fed govt forgot to do the same increase of how much students can borrow. isn't that amazing? So this is one of those days that I have a tumbler with something brown in it chillin' around the crib. LOL! There was nothing left this month for DirecTV so i'm watching DVD movies and hitting up the internet for entertainment. one of my fb connects DJ Loweki has shared his podmatic link so i'm on here checking out his live mixes and i'm hooked. He has my attention right now. So i have my laptop hooked up to my surround sound system jammin'. i don't want my downstairs neighbor upset so the subwoofer is turned down. LOL. yep i was one of the 90's teens rolling around in my mama's car with the boomin' system! LOL! thanks Nissan for hooking that Stanza up like that! Niceness!!
It's chilly outside and raining. This is one of those days me and my hunny would've cooked together and would be eating and chillin' together at the house. snuggling and stuff. Days like this....so you ask " so where he at, why that ain't happening?" oh yes because i'm single. O_o and it seems that all of the men that seem to be interesting and are equipped with the right equipment are taken. :-(
i'm still working that corporate j.o.b. mon-friday 8a to 6p as an admin. they call me an office manager but i know the real deal. i didn't get any extra extra money for the extra benefits. so whatever. the upside is i'm getting to work with our visual media group doing some audio stuff. this should be nice!
Days like this....sometimes i vaguely remember what it was like to be a wife...before he revealed his true assholeness, it was nice. i can be honest and say that. HOWever, these days i'm trying to start to a new a career so don't need control freak issues happening. and i just realized, i haven't done a black tie event in awhile. i was just talking to one of my cousins about doing one a month and realized i hadn't done it. i used to hit up black ties on a regular. i haven't purchased a gown or cocktail dress in a looooong time. not a good thing!
Days like this....unlike the song, my mama didn't tell me anything about days like this. i discovered them on my own. I have an arrangement in my head for a gospel song that I love..i need to get it recorded ASAP and upload it to my sound cloud and reverbnation page. If i don't use it i'll lose it.
ok heading back to my tumbler.
*peace and hair grease*
Monday, December 10, 2012
What would you do for a klondike bar?
Hello World...
*click for your blog music*
You see the post title? LOL! Got your attention didn't it? Well i'm glad your curiousness got the best of you. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm still not making the best choices. My free will is turning into brick walls instead of free will type choices to set me free. I'm trapping myself in a box instead of freeing myself with ALL of the possibilities that my talents and gifts have given me. I see other people around me that have used their talents the right way that are achieving that are achieving that are achieving....
I feel like i'm failing, failing, flailing flailing...and in a few minutes i'm about to make a "lesser of two evils" decision to escape the results of yet another error in judgement on my behalf. At 40, you'd think i would've figured out how not to get on the hamster wheel but it's slowly starting to feel that way. You see i'm damaged goods in more ways than one. Nice to look at but poisonous to the touch... So what do you do when you keep fucking up? How and why would God continue to help me when my latitude/longitude is due to my mindless wandering.
At this point, i'm out of undergrad student loan money..i did have the two classes picked for the Spring 2013 semester and I was about to start looking for the additional funds I'll need after using the very last $$ I have available and then last Wednesday, I get a text that my Spring bill was available to look at and then it showed a credit balance which alarmed me. I had to pay out of pocket for the Fall 2012 semester so I knew i'd have to do the same next semester. The second class that was perfect (friday - 1pm) for my work schedule was cancelled. So now i have to look for another evening/weekend class. evenings...a few..weekend...not at all. Film/Video major/Music minor - i'm a senior at GSU and so now truly the majority of my classes are during the day. *what to do?* i mean all faith stepping stones led me to GSU, now what? i'm writing scholarship letters and applying so it's not like i'm sitting on my hands. I do seem to have more connections in the Audio world that will pickup soon. I've been approached more than once about doing "marketing" work which scared me because that word always equated to frustration to me. Mainly because it includes something else i don't care for, that's research. But as I take this faither walk guess what i have to do ..research. I don't know, i'm not trying to sound perfect, holy and sanctimonius, this is me...this is it. I'm flawed. BIG time. And at the same time, i'm irritated. Not to the brink of tears right now but i just feel confused.
The title says "what would you do for a klondike bar?" My klondike bar is a hypnotist that can take away this crazy ass mindset that I'm less than. yep i said it....a continuous low-level depression state will slowly chip away and make you feel that way. I feel like my decisions have limited the plans that the Almighty had for me because i KNOW this can't be it. i'm tired of always waving my hand and saying hallelujah everytime a preacher preaches about making out of something and going from broke to rich. I want to finally wave my hand and say "Lord thank You for bringing me out." That thang nestled in my brain and has seem to grow almost as thick as the kudzu that plagues Atlanta. i have too much crap to do to constantly battle over this.
Anyway, what would I do? My honest to blue truth is to keep the faith and make better decisions and trust God to do what He said He'd do. Like all theories, it sounds great on paper. But putting it into Action...a different story. speaking of Action, everytime I go to church - Gospel Tabernacle Church-Atlanta - my Pastor hits it on the head for me and our ministry's motto is: Word in Action. Everytime I hear that, my mind chuckles and says "we're a verb church". LOL!
As i close, my suggestion to you is to write down your thoughts when you are in crisis. By the time you get to the end, you'll have a decision. AND pray and ask God to speak with you even in a dream to get an answer. (is what i'll be doing)
*peace and blessings*
Music credit:
Via youtube.com
Randy Crawford
Ahmad
Mariah Carey
Kool & The Gang
Avery Sunshine
*click for your blog music*
You see the post title? LOL! Got your attention didn't it? Well i'm glad your curiousness got the best of you. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm still not making the best choices. My free will is turning into brick walls instead of free will type choices to set me free. I'm trapping myself in a box instead of freeing myself with ALL of the possibilities that my talents and gifts have given me. I see other people around me that have used their talents the right way that are achieving that are achieving that are achieving....
I feel like i'm failing, failing, flailing flailing...and in a few minutes i'm about to make a "lesser of two evils" decision to escape the results of yet another error in judgement on my behalf. At 40, you'd think i would've figured out how not to get on the hamster wheel but it's slowly starting to feel that way. You see i'm damaged goods in more ways than one. Nice to look at but poisonous to the touch... So what do you do when you keep fucking up? How and why would God continue to help me when my latitude/longitude is due to my mindless wandering.
At this point, i'm out of undergrad student loan money..i did have the two classes picked for the Spring 2013 semester and I was about to start looking for the additional funds I'll need after using the very last $$ I have available and then last Wednesday, I get a text that my Spring bill was available to look at and then it showed a credit balance which alarmed me. I had to pay out of pocket for the Fall 2012 semester so I knew i'd have to do the same next semester. The second class that was perfect (friday - 1pm) for my work schedule was cancelled. So now i have to look for another evening/weekend class. evenings...a few..weekend...not at all. Film/Video major/Music minor - i'm a senior at GSU and so now truly the majority of my classes are during the day. *what to do?* i mean all faith stepping stones led me to GSU, now what? i'm writing scholarship letters and applying so it's not like i'm sitting on my hands. I do seem to have more connections in the Audio world that will pickup soon. I've been approached more than once about doing "marketing" work which scared me because that word always equated to frustration to me. Mainly because it includes something else i don't care for, that's research. But as I take this faither walk guess what i have to do ..research. I don't know, i'm not trying to sound perfect, holy and sanctimonius, this is me...this is it. I'm flawed. BIG time. And at the same time, i'm irritated. Not to the brink of tears right now but i just feel confused.
The title says "what would you do for a klondike bar?" My klondike bar is a hypnotist that can take away this crazy ass mindset that I'm less than. yep i said it....a continuous low-level depression state will slowly chip away and make you feel that way. I feel like my decisions have limited the plans that the Almighty had for me because i KNOW this can't be it. i'm tired of always waving my hand and saying hallelujah everytime a preacher preaches about making out of something and going from broke to rich. I want to finally wave my hand and say "Lord thank You for bringing me out." That thang nestled in my brain and has seem to grow almost as thick as the kudzu that plagues Atlanta. i have too much crap to do to constantly battle over this.
Anyway, what would I do? My honest to blue truth is to keep the faith and make better decisions and trust God to do what He said He'd do. Like all theories, it sounds great on paper. But putting it into Action...a different story. speaking of Action, everytime I go to church - Gospel Tabernacle Church-Atlanta - my Pastor hits it on the head for me and our ministry's motto is: Word in Action. Everytime I hear that, my mind chuckles and says "we're a verb church". LOL!
As i close, my suggestion to you is to write down your thoughts when you are in crisis. By the time you get to the end, you'll have a decision. AND pray and ask God to speak with you even in a dream to get an answer. (is what i'll be doing)
*peace and blessings*
Music credit:
Via youtube.com
Randy Crawford
Ahmad
Mariah Carey
Kool & The Gang
Avery Sunshine
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
What does 2013 hold?
Hello World....
*click for theme music*
I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis. At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA. I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard. ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along. Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler. I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.
Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?
I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me. I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong? I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it. Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church. There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that. As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*
I have two sides. 1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins. 2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to. So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing. Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough. It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste. I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there. At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was. There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did. i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight. And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up. that was 8 years ago. i've gained a little back but lost the tone. i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit. I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck. I can't stand it. I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together. I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it. I JUST now got it. *sigh*
I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying". I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills. i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing. I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person) i just don't know when/where/how to get there. As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru. one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school. something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit! I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good! i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies) I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried. the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........
my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above. I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part. I need to get out of my own way! I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!
2013 will hold me doing more for me. this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them. the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone. No one wants to be a one unit anymore. EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too. do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep. do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it. next stop getting Nissa truly sane. 2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus. I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment. as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.
I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it. Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released. i can't do it. I won't do it. I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross). You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke. KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!
** I'm Okay**
Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!
*click for theme music*
I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis. At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA. I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard. ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along. Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler. I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.
Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?
I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me. I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong? I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it. Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church. There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that. As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*
I have two sides. 1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins. 2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to. So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing. Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough. It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste. I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there. At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was. There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did. i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight. And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up. that was 8 years ago. i've gained a little back but lost the tone. i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit. I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck. I can't stand it. I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together. I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it. I JUST now got it. *sigh*
I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying". I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills. i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing. I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person) i just don't know when/where/how to get there. As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru. one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school. something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit! I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good! i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies) I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried. the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........
my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above. I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part. I need to get out of my own way! I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!
2013 will hold me doing more for me. this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them. the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone. No one wants to be a one unit anymore. EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too. do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep. do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it. next stop getting Nissa truly sane. 2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus. I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment. as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.
I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it. Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released. i can't do it. I won't do it. I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross). You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke. KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!
** I'm Okay**
Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Hey Ya'll
**Hello World**
*click here for your theme music*
Hey Ya'll!! It's been a minute...i hope that you have chosen to use your time wisely in life. We always have the opportunity to complete objectives but we don't always take the time to do it.
Life is GREAT Over here (speaking it into existence)...I'm taking all of my opportunities to fulfill my tasks.
This is a very very very short one...I encourage you to "find and fulfill your destiny" ( in my Mufasa voice)
*peace and love*
Credit:
Youtube.com - Soul II Soul - "keep on moving"
*click here for your theme music*
Hey Ya'll!! It's been a minute...i hope that you have chosen to use your time wisely in life. We always have the opportunity to complete objectives but we don't always take the time to do it.
Life is GREAT Over here (speaking it into existence)...I'm taking all of my opportunities to fulfill my tasks.
This is a very very very short one...I encourage you to "find and fulfill your destiny" ( in my Mufasa voice)
*peace and love*
Credit:
Youtube.com - Soul II Soul - "keep on moving"
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