Welp He died and got up...why can't I?

Hello World...

yes it is Sunday, Easter Sunday to be exact and also considered "Resurrection Sunday" because as the bible tells and believers believe, Jesus was crucified and buried on Friday and on the 3rd day he arose! (that's actually a song we used to sing at church) And ascended into heaven...So I look back at my previous blog, just in my mind actually of what I was dealing with, still somewhat dealing with. I don't know WHY I can't get this freakin' negative monkey off of my back! I was sitting as I was listening to some live jazz looking at the Atlanta skyline and had a quick internal convo that went something like this:

Me 1: Nissa
Me 2: Yes?
1: You know you weren't born and raised in Atlanta, right?
2: Yes?
1: You remember the hunger you had when you first moved here to do something different?
2: Yes?
1: So why have you put yourself in the same crazy ass rut that you were in before?
2: I don't know.
1: You do realize it's all mental, right?
2: Yes.
1: Ok so now what?
2: Now we fight to get back to why we came here!

So, the most infuriating thing about this is I'm literally going in circles. Circles I'm creating for myself because I'm being connected with so many FREAKIN' people that could get me to the next level but what do I do? Back off and get scared and then I have to start all over again mentally and i'm sick of it.  Straight up. If I don't get my objectives done and quit sitting around every year talking about "OH THIS IS MY YEAR!" every new years getting older, i'm a waste of air and space and skin. that's how i feel.  Now i'm trying to get my anger to overcome this "fear" that has somehow infested my brain.  I didn't used to be like this! I used to speak my next blessing and it would appear. I mean literally that would happen in my younger, fearless days! I need to find a hypnotist to help me stop remembering this fear.

So if Jesus could get up in the name of God and keep his thang going on the next level, then dang it so can I!

Ok so Happy Resurrection Sunday and enjoy this tune on the way out...
http://www.reverbnation.com/annissakelliott/song/15131736-blood-will-never-lose-its-power
~peace and blessings~

Standing Still...

Hello World...

*Warning: this one is a bit real.....*
My birthday was 6 days ago and I am not 9 years away from 50.  Yes i know one shouldn't look so far ahead because you don't know if you'll be here in the next second but i just had to make that quick observation.  One thing i try to do is no matter what is happening around me, no matter what my real feelings are at that time I try to type, speak positive vibes into the situation.  I figure if I do that I will speak the good stuff into existence and negate whatever crazy stuff I'm currently experiencing.  I don't see it as lying to myself I see it as not wallowing in foolishness.  Well this time i have to put it out there.  I feel like I'm standing still and it's my fault!  My decision making skills are NOT the best and for that I don't see myself as ever being the apple of anyone's eye...being a sinner God doesn't even wanna hear you so I guess i'm by myself for real.  I've made crazy ass relationship decisions that puts me in a weird position/category..doubt i'll be taken seriously in that either.  And now with my "new" so-called audio/sound engineering career.  If i'd done like one of my good girlfriends told me to do which was to pay back my student loans little by little with each refund I got I wouldn't be on school hiatus due to some financial issues, I'd still be in school. Again my fault.  Bottom line, i'm an idiot. I allowed some dude 8 years older than me (i was about 23 when i met him) talk me out of school, a military career and let his vileness poison my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do anything.  But what does that say about me? How weak is my mind? What happened to my common sense? And hell i'm 41 now and still making stupid mistakes; Do I have any common sense??  Seems like to me I'm a waste of space and air...I come to a job every day that, for me, is dead end.  I watch my co-workers come and go excited about their engineering/architectural careers and advances and i'm the freakin' office admin. (office manager my ass) there is nothing here for me to advance too!  I feel like i'm standing still.

I get around my friends and smile and laugh because I don't want people to know....i guess the real me.  when i celebrate with others it makes me forget, at least for a little while.  and then i go back to life, back to reality.  Lord why am i here? Is there something truly for me to do?  Do you really trust me to make a decision for me or anybody else?  I feel like I'm standing still...for real.  I'm not feeling very good about this lady named Annissa K right now....not at all.

Am I feeling suicidal? Nope but if anything happened (i.e accident) to me, and my cousin has a copy of my will, I have a DNR in place.  Don't bring me back here to continue to fuck up.  I've already done enough and to tell you the truth, I'm tired.

Now am I continuing to pray and ask God to shake my crazy ass out of this funky ass, depressing mood? Yes I am but I have to be real about it.  I just a show watching kids and adults glowingly prospering in their talents and moving forward and still i feel like i'm standing still.  This has to get better. It really does.

i'm out...

Let the celebration continue...

Hello World...

So in 49 minutes I will have lived for 14,965 days....I can't believe it's happened again so soon! It always seems like the monthly count down is so freaking far away but then the next thing you know it's the day before and then the day, and then the day after.  It just goes to show you that life goes on even if you aren't  paying attention.

I love the fact that I have lived this long.  I sit and briefly think about how there were a few times I didn't want to be here....like literally...and between constant prayer, some couch time and some friends that God has used to say and do things even when they didn't realize and I'd never and have never said anything to them.  I just take it all in stride and learn my lessons and keep it moving!

Right now i'm on a small sabbatical from GSU due to some financial issues, getting some training/internships in the sound engineering area, still working to gear up my confidence level in singing again and i'd love to play  the piano again, somewhat close to what I used to and then learn some more.  Music makes me smile.

I am noticing that i'm losing energy these days but I am in better shape/tone than before. So I just need to continue to do what's necessary to stay on top of everything.  I love celebrating and this year I said I was going to do just that with EVERYbody, i mean i love my birthday and my sign (Aries) but I just love celebrating period!

To those that bring positive energy in my life, I thank you.  I love you and appreciate what you bring into my personal space.

Celebrating Life - Road Trip!

Hello World....

*Click Here*

Life is what you make you it!!! you should be rocking and smiling right now as you read these words..So this year will be "41" for me.  March 21st is my actual birthdate but starting a few years back i started celebrating from March 1st with my Pisces birthday month folks mainly because my day is the first day of Aries meaning i'm a cusp baby and plus i just like birthdays..mine and everybody elses! LOL!  But as I get older, I start thinking about other significances of celebrating things.  And I started thinking about how a young college student would feel when she's about to give birth in about 3 weeks and on top of that was hoping that she'd be getting her degree not getting a daughter.  So there's a LOT of emotion going on in her life, in her head.  So as my life outlook changes so do my celebration reasons!

This weekend began this year's life celebration and it includes attending a wedding of one of my girlfriends that i met in Atlanta.  We have 2 AWESOME things in common: We are both from Texas and we are both Dallas Cowboys fans!! *CB4L*  She has found her prince charming and I get the privilege of witnessing it.  I met her through a group of friends and i like for ALL of my friends to know each other so i ended up road tripping with another friend....welp! I'll have to pick up these thoughts later......

Ok i'm baaaack!!!!  I tell you what, when you are single and pretty much do everything alone, specifically road trips, you never know what habits that you have that could be bothersome until you travel with someone else.  One thing I notice is I tend to (for whatever reason) allow myself to be corrected about something I do/am doing and i'll apologize for it but when someone does something I just ignore it/adjust to the new environment and keep it moving.  I don't know if that makes me a push over or what...but I have to believe that if someone has proven to be a friend, truly stepping in to assist me during a time of need,  that the personality difference is just that.  A personality difference.  I experienced some stuff during this road trip that could have genuinely hurt my feelings back in the day but I had to keep the fact that this was a part of my life celebration going in my head.  I did find myself shutting down emotionally because I was literally told in stereo that I talk too much.  So I shut it down and allowed a reunion to happen, funny enough when i shut it down i was then told that it made the scene awkward.  i laughed it off but i'm thinking "you want me to stop talking, right? So i did...i'm over it.".  No hard feelings I just now know new information....AND I see/know some habits that I have that I have to modify when i'm not rolling solo....enough said.

NOW, to describe the wedding weekend!!!  It was MARVE-lous!!!  I got a chance to see some of my family, me and my ATL homegirl/road trip partner stayed with my cousin and his family one night (Friday) and checked into the hotel where the wedding party was for Saturday.  The wedding was at 4pm, we stepped up in there at about 4:30...LOL...luckily my girl (the bride) had a delay and we got there on time! LOL!! Thank you Kalilah!!   The ceremony was BEAU-TI-FUL, all weekend me and my homegirl had an impromptu photoshoot...I have to say that gal was on it with her fashion!  We had fun!!!  Then on to the reception at Sneaky Pete's!  OMG! I still see that name and giggle. We had a blast! The reception was soooo much fun!  Family/friends were positive and then at the end...the DJ overloaded us on line dances! I did some I knew and learned a few too! LOVE IT!!!!!  So on the way back we took some pics as we crossed state lines which put a tad bit of a delay in our return to the ATL but it was worth it.  Although i did learn a new travel law...that you can split up a hotel bill and pay via two different credit cards but can't do the same thing for a rental car. *interesting*

Overall...All in all I had a blast and was happy that I made my way to Texas to witness my girl get hitched!  Great road trip!!

I will continue to blog about my birthday/life celebration as the days go by...... March 1st to April 19th