Hello World......Baby Nissa/Toddler Nissa....I'm sorry

 dear little baby nissa and toddler nissa....

i apologize for fukkn up. We came in the world in some confusion...wanted...not wanted...it was up in the air...lots of conflict. Health issues out of the womb...kinda pushed to side...the lil girl by herself in the country...nature and her pets became he friends....the subject of bullying just cuz we were a little skinny kid...part of a BIG family but no real backup...thank God for church and the fact that music became our friend....reading music/piano playing from age 3 (hey toddler) you did well...it was our church friends that kept us safe to a certain extent...got to watch my cousins receive that extra love and support from their parents...and then I got the leftover love from their parents....invisible until it was time to clean up the kitchen after a BIG family function. How did we function? we just remember and focus on the good times. Everybody else seems to be born with a guaranteed goal in life...they already KNEW what adults they wanted to be. Not us. I knew USAF...cuz my uncles made it look sooooo cool....bring the health issues back in 1000% and had to get out. So then hmmm....what to do? Get married? have kids? everybody else is doing it...yeah...BIG #fail in that too...he was a con man....a controlling man...fukked us up even more emotionally....the kid that was looking for that extra love and support from her parents is still there. Our trust level of people is just different because the foundation that we were supposed to get just didn't happen. I'm sorry I didn't do better...we are a BIG sister now...which was hard watching others get the love and support from our parent that we didn't get. Oh don't front now...we had cute clothes and hairstyles growing up but NEVER that emotional attachment...and it's still kinda strange. I apologize that I didn't get it right. We are now damn near 50 and we left the marriage idea alone...no kiddos but an awesome aunt. We still have some other plans...maybe in the works...but NOTHING close to the life we could've had. I made some bad choices for us. The therapists we've seen worked to a degree but THEN they ask "hey do you think your family can join a session?" that's my cue to exit..cuz they don't think they did anything wrong to you. Apparently you didn't deserve any hugs and love and extra support about what you wanted to do when you grew up. The clothes and hairstyles should have sufficed. We still hurt...are still hurt...

Here is the thing......other than Us...Adult Nissa...nobody really gives a damn. Oh yeah the adult men out here are all about emotional abuse...our assets...oh yeah now we finally gained weight....u know we were the 85 pound lil brown girl forever it seemed...around mid twenties the DNA kicked in the hips and thighs and even tho the lil boom boom was already there it kinda meshed with everything else. LOL....but adult men have just drained us emotionally and we're done. No time for games at damn near 50.

Everything is up in the air.....although sometimes I wish we were gone...it's true....

baby Nissa/Toddler Nissa - I apologize......I fukked it all up for us.

Hello World....Pandemic x2

 Hello World... (listen to this while u read.)

So the 2020 pandemic is STILL going on.  Vaccines are out and about, people have died from it.  It's a mess!

It's black history month....i do like that the narrative of recognizing the same 5 good African Americans for the month.  This younger generation is looking for information and getting it.

NOW there is a crazy ass "day after tomorrow" storm that has hit the Gulfcoast areas and the state of Texas has no constant power and/or running water with temperatures in the teens and lower.

People have died from the weather as well as attempting to use outdoor grills and generators in the house....sitting in their closed garage in their running cars and dying of carbon monoxide poisoning.  It's crazy!  

Our utility bills are up and up...gas and electricity.  Just crazy!

I'm not sure when we'll get back to our new normal.  I'm grateful to work from home but I wouldn't mind some office interaction with my colleagues.

We now have a new President, Joe Biden we got 45 out of office thank God!  His followers are pissed! Their racist claws are out.

Rush Limbaugh died yesterday.  Talk about the mouth of the racist.  They loved him! oh well, i hope he found the Lord. (side eye)

Today is a friday eve that is great for re-watching all of the "house of cards" seasons on Netflix.  Political drama is awesome.

And to my family....in the words of Diana and the Supremes "somedaaaay we'll be togeeeeetheeer..."

Love ya like I love ya.....

peace and love....love and peace.

NissaK

It's a pandemic...it's a protest....it's craziness going on...

Hello World....

So as of late February/March the US has been under a crazy epidemic.  First it was the "Covid 19" quarantine which became official the weekend of my birthday (i was sad).  :-(

So we've all been under some sort of quarantine.  There is the separation of essential and non-essential employees.  Some companies have closed down, some companies have converted to 100% tele-working status.  Luckily I'm still able to work from home.  I still have my setup from my FL project so I'm good to go.

Crazy as it sounds i'm doing better financially NOW than I was when everything was side open.  Things have happened that opened up some normally closed financial doors and I'm good to go.

A few weeks ago we lost some folks in the african american community....

Breonna Taylor - March 2020 - ER Tech who was at home and was killed as a result of a no knock warrant.  Police shot and killed her...no reason, she wasn't guilty of anything.  Just being at home.

Ahmaud Arbery -  Feb 2020 - The rest of the world didn't find out about this Glynn County Georgia tragedy until months AFTER it happened.  Mr. Arbery was jogging in his neighborhood and these white men followed him in trucks and shot him like an animal in the middle of the street.

George Floyd - May 2020 - the world watched this man via video be strangled by a Minnesota Policeman.  The scenario?  Floyd went to a neighborhood store that he frequented and it's alleged that he paid for his purchases with a counterfeit bill.  Cops were called and somehow he ended up on the ground, handcuffed with 3 cops standing on his back and one cop with his knee on his neck.  The world saw/heard him yell "i can't breathe" and then yell for his mom.  We found out later that his mom is no longer living so perhaps he was calling out to her because she was there to get him once his soul left.

NOW the world is protesting for the unjust treatment that African Americans have been receiving forever.  There are professional folks losing jobs, businesses losing contracts, LOTS of folks who are used to being slick at the mouth about how they feel about blacks and the entire community.  We, again, get to see the racists coming out of their corners front and center.

I can honestly say that I've reacted online and choose to share any negative vibes that I see and make sure their employers know all about them.  I'm sending continuous prayers and positive vibes to ALL that are affected by all of this madness.  It is a blanket of sadness and anger right now.  Lots of people are getting educated on black history...black wall street, systemic racism, civil rights movement.

OAN:

Our agency (TLA) often connects with a really cool spiritual medium - Cathy Burroughs and I finally was brave enough to ask about my maternal grandmother.  Everytime I asked a question it was about finance, love life type stuff but I never asked the really hard question.  I got my answer...that she is proud of me and that she also wishes that we would've been able to have a better relationship.

Well this is the synopsis of what's happening in my world...there's world craziness happening and I've found a sliver of peace within the craziness.

I pray that your life is going well and that you are sane.

Peace and Blessings....

It takes a Village....Hello World

Hello World....

I hope your year/month/week/day is going well.  This weekend is bittersweet.  I am heading to celebrate the life of a cousin who was more like a big brother to me and my other cousins.  He "is" part of our village and I use present tense because he will always be a part of our memories and our lives.  There is a saying "It takes a village to raise a child"...and see the way our family is setup we were born into a village.  My Granny, Clara Elliott,  ended up having her children in sets of two and my aunt Bennie Mae was the only daughter in that first group and she got married and started having her own family which ironically coincided with my Granny's 2nd set of kids.  So Aunt Bennie Mae became mom, big sister and aunt all in one and so her children became sons, daughter, niece, nephews, cousins AND surrogate big brothers and sister.  (oooo lawd I'm trying to write this blog and the rush of memories are causing my eyes to uuum water....uuugh no not right now...who cries in the middle of the airport??) So I was part of the group that was born to a daughter in the second set of Elliott kiddos and even though my mom didn't have anymore babies I came into the world with big brothers and sisters thanks to our village.

(unfinished...this was started in 2016 and i never came back to finish it..it's 2020 now...)
i miss my cousin.

Love on your friends and family...always...

peace and blessings.

You must be this tall....

Hello World...

I was just speaking with a friend about blogging and they asked "you haven't posted anything, why?" and my response was that I hadn't been motivated to write about anything.  And THEN I saw this hilarious kermit meme (you know we love Kermy) about wives really know where their husbands are and of course he drinks tea at the end.  I shared it on my wall, not because I really and truly believe it BUT watching my male cousins grow up and other male figures do their thing I can say that uuuh yes part of me totally understands the statement.  It's life.

I'm sorry ladies it is what it is.  We want to think that we automatically get the same level of love and respect back that we give out but it's not always true.  And then I saw a web site or a FB profile name (or something) that was entitled "you have to be this tall to ride this ride".  I was immediately motivated to write something.

You probably think this is in reference to height...naw not really.  Now a few years ago...lol..probably.  I was convinced "him" towering over (or not) was a deal breaker..but uuh....ya get older, you get a little wiser and you realize what's important.  So the context of "you must be this tall" has to do with wisdom.  Any man coming in my direction talking that slick, fast stuff that works for ANY youngster has to keep it moving.  And these days you'd think that the older men are coming at you with wisdom but since the young ladies (using the term loosely) seem to be going after the seasoned ones these day the older men are brushing up on their "game" and sadly making the assumption that what worked on the 20 year olds can work on the 35 and up! (i probably didn't use enough punctuation in that thought.)  And the grown ladies have to stop them and say "uuum no sweetie, you're speaking to the wrong generation.  let's chit chat about your life plan.  let's chit chat about your gift to the next generation.  let's chit chat about music.  let's chit chat about some hobbies, about how many passport  stamps to get.  let's talk about something with substance. I'm not the one to turnup 24/7."

Fellas.....respect your ladies the same way we respect YOU!  You must be THIS tall to ride this ride.  I need your wisdom, your respect, your leadership, your humbleness, your heart.  If you constanly down us the reaction is to do the same to you or just to ignore you so that we avoid being disrespectful to our kings.  I love my kings TOO much to count you out....so just be good to us and we'll be good to you.  You scratch our backs and we got yours!

We are in a Crisis...

Hello World....

I've been thinking about a new blog post but my mind was not still enough to put thoughts to screen.  We are currently in a crisis across the world.  There is a virus spreading being coined the "corona virus" or "Covid19".  It's an off the charts upper respiratory virus.  It was first being considered an extreme flu-type bug, who knows what it really is.  The government decided to give us a lil change one-time.  The entire bill is work $2Trillion i think.  They could easily give us all about $100K maybe even $200K, there are about 325M people in the US, it would be a drop in the bucket.  But hey, too much power to the little people, right?

I think it's man-made from several viruses and it was either released on purpose or stolen and spilled on accident.

I know of one person that I personally know who has passed away from Covid19 complications, very sad.  Who knew that the last time  I saw him during the holidays would have been the last time.  This motivates me even more to continue with connecting with my friends and family when I can.

Im definitely contacting the parentals AND my sisters.  Both of them are not in 100% health.

As I said in a previous post, I am enjoying the moment in my private life.  This guy is the coolest, breath of fresh air that I've encountered in a long time.  We laugh about silly stuff, discuss sci fi and fantasy like it's real world...lol...and the intimacy is O_O yes gawd!! HA!!

Definitely protected...my lady parts are still working somewhat so I don't need any late pregnancy scares NOR do I need any medical complications if my body attempted to go through the process and it didn't work well.

Anyway, the state of Georgia is still in a sort of quarantine lockdown.  Only essential businesses are open.  Those that have to move about only have from 7a to 9p.  Our liquor stores in East Point are closed but our corner store does have beer and wine and some "rock gut" liquor.  The stuff that we used to buy as naive youngsters because it was cheap...i'm talking madd dog 20/20, strawberry hill boonesfarm, thunderbird....ooo...i get a headache just typing the names.

So yeah well...everyone that can is working from home.  I'm able to work from home...thank God.  I go into the office when I need to if someone needs something notarized.

Welp...I need to get back to work...just one thing I need to say though.....to be perfectly honest, if i developed the virus and was no longer here...i really wouldn't mind.  I have a DNR in place so if I flat line they can't bring me back.  I'm tired anyway, I keep fucking up simple shit almost like self-sabotage on a regular basis.  It's like I don't want to see myself happy as if I don't deserve it.  I don't know where this self-loathing comes from but it's there and I can't hide from it.  I think I'd be better off gone honestly.  No longer a bother to anyone.  Hell I couldn't even give my mom and dad offspring to carry their DNA....once i'm gone their DNA connection through me is gone for good.

ok well...lemme get back to work.  I pray that everything goes ok.

p.s.
my birthday was a few weeks ago....i did my best to celebrate...baked a cake...celebrated at the house...my new like interest was here..we had a good time.  I'll never forget "48". for sure.

Enjoying the moment...starting now...

Hello World.....

2020 is looking to be an awesome year. i have a big smile on my face outwardly and inner.  So NY is dissolved and a bright spot in the ATL who i've known for several years...we were acquaintances and he decided to take a shot....and my spirit was ready for some fresh air and....it's looking nice.

Now granted, it's still brand new, technically 10 days but I'm still enjoying the moment.  My new outlook on life is to just enjoy the moment.

His lifestyle is in a realm that I know I need to dwell in, not all the way but definitely get some better habits going on my end.  He's a teacher....instructor...I can learn alot...and he's open to learning from me (whatever I have to say/offer).

And the best thing....

We're both SciFi nerds!  Now he is more into the comic book side of it, I'm more movies and discussing the comparison between the book and the big screen.  And he's in the art/creative world and he's good...i mean REALLY good in what he does...plus he's very tall. (hee hee)

I'm sure there will be more updates.

Man, this is sooooo much brighter than just a few months ago.  My life was just darker.  I've been talking more the ancestors and to my elders and I think they've been helping me.  My discernment is back on "go".

i'm about to get my shit back together...i've got work to doooooo... (in my isley brothers voice) - shouts out to my TLA sis - Sylvia Herry - ATL personal trainer/fit model - she's helping me get back.  PLUS i'm starting back with Zumba.  Maybe two days a week.  Gotta get back to life...back to reality.

I feel that other Nissa K, slowly working her way back around to living.  No more self-sabotage.

Talk to ya later....

Peace and Blessings.....