dear little baby nissa and toddler nissa....
i apologize for fukkn up. We came in the world in some confusion...wanted...not wanted...it was up in the air...lots of conflict. Health issues out of the womb...kinda pushed to side...the lil girl by herself in the country...nature and her pets became he friends....the subject of bullying just cuz we were a little skinny kid...part of a BIG family but no real backup...thank God for church and the fact that music became our friend....reading music/piano playing from age 3 (hey toddler) you did well...it was our church friends that kept us safe to a certain extent...got to watch my cousins receive that extra love and support from their parents...and then I got the leftover love from their parents....invisible until it was time to clean up the kitchen after a BIG family function. How did we function? we just remember and focus on the good times. Everybody else seems to be born with a guaranteed goal in life...they already KNEW what adults they wanted to be. Not us. I knew USAF...cuz my uncles made it look sooooo cool....bring the health issues back in 1000% and had to get out. So then hmmm....what to do? Get married? have kids? everybody else is doing it...yeah...BIG #fail in that too...he was a con man....a controlling man...fukked us up even more emotionally....the kid that was looking for that extra love and support from her parents is still there. Our trust level of people is just different because the foundation that we were supposed to get just didn't happen. I'm sorry I didn't do better...we are a BIG sister now...which was hard watching others get the love and support from our parent that we didn't get. Oh don't front now...we had cute clothes and hairstyles growing up but NEVER that emotional attachment...and it's still kinda strange. I apologize that I didn't get it right. We are now damn near 50 and we left the marriage idea alone...no kiddos but an awesome aunt. We still have some other plans...maybe in the works...but NOTHING close to the life we could've had. I made some bad choices for us. The therapists we've seen worked to a degree but THEN they ask "hey do you think your family can join a session?" that's my cue to exit..cuz they don't think they did anything wrong to you. Apparently you didn't deserve any hugs and love and extra support about what you wanted to do when you grew up. The clothes and hairstyles should have sufficed. We still hurt...are still hurt...
Here is the thing......other than Us...Adult Nissa...nobody really gives a damn. Oh yeah the adult men out here are all about emotional abuse...our assets...oh yeah now we finally gained weight....u know we were the 85 pound lil brown girl forever it seemed...around mid twenties the DNA kicked in the hips and thighs and even tho the lil boom boom was already there it kinda meshed with everything else. LOL....but adult men have just drained us emotionally and we're done. No time for games at damn near 50.
Everything is up in the air.....although sometimes I wish we were gone...it's true....
baby Nissa/Toddler Nissa - I apologize......I fukked it all up for us.
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