The self-sabotage is back...I don't wanna be here...

 Hello World.....

It's been a long time since I have updated. It's September 2026 and I'm in GA. Keke has moved to Colorado with her Boo but left aLOT of stuff that I had to put in my storage meaning I had to get a bigger one for what she left plus mine. So another bill....I meant to get a storage shed built but ended up not going that route. It seemed like the best option but now....I realize it's not!! 

Anyway....I was doing SOOOOOO well after coming back from the West Coast. And theeeeen.....I made some dumb azz decisions and I have fukkd it up. 

I don't feel good about anything. I'm struggling daily....the part of me that has always felt like I wasn't good enough is very loud....I'm not doing good...but I smile it away and encourage others because my current situation is ALL my fault!

I don't wanna be here....

The world is going to shyte....the discrimination is sky high, the racists are killing our kids via lynching!! I don't wanna be here!

I don't see anything to live for... there's no one out here that really needs me. I'm the single lady (by choice) with health issues, no kids. No huge career options. I'm fat & ugly....Like whaaaaat?!? Sure I have friends that will be sad for a moment but then they'll forget and go back to their lives ..they actually have lives... kids... careers.  There would be nobody to have to uplift once I'm gone.  Throw my ashes somewhere out there and move on.

I hate to disappoint whomever is in charge of this matrix but I want out. Now.

I have no uplifting messages....✌🏾🖖🏾

Nothing to fear but your own self-doubt...

Hello World!!!!

Wow!  I just had one of the most awesome opportunities in my lifetime.  Through another friend, I connected with this lady that makes her money "sanging".  One thing I want to do before i leave this earth because i love music, i've been singing and playing since I was 3 years old, I want to sing background vocals. I'm not and have never been the lead singing type of person, somebody has to be the backup. I love harmony, i can hear the harmony immediately, that's my talent. But somewhere in my life i gave up on myself. I let self-doubt run me. Now on the outside, I encourage all of those around me to do "it", whatever their "it" is but when it comes to me, I try to hide. So back to my recent debacle.  I had a chance to audition at Club Ellery's this past Wednesday for Tabitha King and as far as the vocal part, i think i did a pretty darn good job. BUT my weakness is to stop being scared of people. OMG! I haven't been that scared since I was about 6 years old and I was at summer rec camp and I walked about 20 miles home because i felt there were too many kids standing in front of the arts and crafts building.  And the end result was the same. LOL! I remember parts but not all of the actual event.  Normally if i drink some liquid courage, i'm good but this time around even that didn't work.

Now here's the thing, I started out right..i talked to the band I talked to the crowd I started out good. Somewhere in the song, I froze. If i could've crawled up into myself I would have. WHY? I have NO idea. I didn't hit no bad notes, I don't know. I had a friend..heck a family member that was visiting, make that family members and one of them happen to be a music major and he helped me by having me do vocal exercises and I performed and he was able to give me tips on performing. And i mean just that, helped because I used it a little at least before I froze..LOL plus I will keep that with me ALWAYS.  AND it pushes me to get off my butt and get the vocal lessons i need and get some performing experience and STOP being scared. i'm tired of being scared, i really am.

Now 1. i'm proud of me for performing. i've never performed at a nightclub out front and center.  So i'm done dogging myself out. And 2. it's time to make a battle plan.

So I end this by saying There is nothing to fear but your own self-doubt..because that is YOUR fuel for fear! I encourage each of you reading this to face your battles, your obstacles and get it done.  ANd know that as you move forward, the Universe, God, the Father, Allah, Jehovah is there to guide you AND whatever you need to move forward is supplied.  The other night i needed encouragement and even though I chose to still be scared, that encouragement that my girlfriend gave me was needed and it was used.  The Lord had my back even in the nightclub. LOL!  So folks. Please believe in yourself and like the Donald Lawrence songs says sometimes you have to encourage yourself and guess what. It works.

Hugs and be well!
*Peace and Blessings*