As the heart speaks...

Hello World...

It has been umpteen days since my last post and a lot of stuff has happened. So let's get to it.

First update:
My new friend and I are trudging along BUT i'm noticing I may have attracted yet another hard working entrepreneur who may have bitten off more than he can chew.  Either that or the Lord is trying to tell me to be patient.  Business owners have crazy schedules and have to be on alert at all times.  The step is to get the business up and eventually get staff that can effectively and efficiently run it..but until then he/she has to be there everyday.  I'm more hands on, like to date, not every weekend but some quality time is needed.  And not a quick hour here or there after work/on the way home. *sigh* I don't know...but I'm not stressing about it either.  I know how to remove myself from something when I start feeling unwanted.  One day you see me, the next day you don't. Simple as that.  So we'll see how that goes.

Next update:
My homegirl is still here and this is kinda cool! I've done roommate situations before and those were okay but after those two and then had to move back with mom and my younger siblings for awhile, i vowed to never do it again.  But I have to retract that statement.  When you share a space with someone that knows how to respect the space, it's works out very well.  We are both used to having our own space so we give each other that respect and meet in the middle for girl talk.  I'm going through a pair down/downsizing of "stuff" that I have including cable.  I'm going to check on what's needed for regular TV, I think I have to get some sort of box or something for regular channels. *shrug* i'll check it out.  I didn't think I'd be able to make it without DirecTV. LOL! I don't miss that bill either.  I need to contact them to come and get their boxes and remotes.

Hmmmm what's next?

I got a call from a past flame...how "past" you ask? Kinda recent....I thought I was cool, I was over "it" and with this new guy that just appeared that it was a sign that it was truly time to release.  So when i got this call and my heart rate increased and as our conversation continued a tear drop found it's way down my face, I knew I was somewhat healed but not 100%.  Man oh man.....it's definitely sometimes hard to say goodbye to yesterday.  Especially when that yesterday has had your heart in his hands for so long..man!  BUT the present is working out well so no long standing heart ache over here. *whew*  I think the Lord knew that call was coming and knew I needed to be ready for it. Thanks God, once again! LOL!

On the professional front:
I'm signing myself up for voice lessons with Premier Vocal Coaches.  I just registered, I hope I did it right so I'm waiting to hear back from them.  The church media group took a tour of AIBTV studios.  It's the studio that airs our church broadcast. It reignited my audio engineering fire bug AND I spoke with the Audio guy there and gave him my information and he suggested that I look into being  foley.  Takes me back to what my first film professor said.  So I think I'm going to look into it.  Contact her and see what other information she can give me.  Next step is legalzoom.com for this LLC.  I keep saying I'm gonna do it and don't.

Not so good update.  I got back in the world of pay day loans and currently have 3 out for a total of about $300.  That's $300 dollars more I could have in my pocket.  Here I got again stepping backwards. *sigh*  Anyway, I'll be handling that soon.  Ok...oh yeah, I didn't go to my reunion this year. Just didn't feel like it.  Im starting to feel like I put more energy into being around my own DNA connected folks than they do so i'm just not going to put out the extra effort or energy like I used to.  If they don't really care, neither do it. point blank..period. No harm no foul...

End of the day..As the world turns, the heart speaks...and my heart says "Continue to live..." and first lady spoke yesterday on winning souls for Christ.  You don't have to do anything extra just live like you have some sense.  When you do that it draws people to you and THEN you can share your testimony and then invite them to your ministry.  Don't pull folks from other churches, there are plenty of folks out there with no covering.  So with all of that said, I need to update the way i'm living.  I'm on it.

I thank God for this day, I didn't have to be here. I will be more vigilant on doing what i need to do before I leave.

*Peace and Blessings*

p.s. found out that Bobby Blue Bland passed away yesterday (Sunday, June 23rd) to honor his memory, I end with this song.   RIP....

What does 2013 hold?

Hello World....

*click for theme music*

I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis.  At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA.  I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard.  ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along.  Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler.  I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.

Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?

I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me.  I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong?  I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it.  Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church.  There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that.  As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*

I have two sides.  1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins.  2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to.  So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing.  Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough.  It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste.  I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there.  At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was.  There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did.  i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight.  And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up.  that was 8 years ago.  i've gained a little back but lost the tone.  i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit.  I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck.  I can't stand it.  I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together.  I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it.  I JUST now got it.  *sigh*

I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying".  I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills.  i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing.  I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person)  i just don't know when/where/how to get there.  As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru.  one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school.  something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit!  I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good!  i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies)  I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.

I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried.  the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........

my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above.  I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part.  I need to get out of my own way!  I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!

2013 will hold me doing more for me.  this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them.  the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone.  No one wants to be a one unit anymore.  EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too.  do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep.  do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it.  next stop getting Nissa truly sane.  2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus.  I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment.  as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.

I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it.  Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released.  i can't do it. I won't do it.  I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross).  You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke.  KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!

** I'm Okay**

Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!

Nothing to fear but your own self-doubt...

Hello World!!!!

Wow!  I just had one of the most awesome opportunities in my lifetime.  Through another friend, I connected with this lady that makes her money "sanging".  One thing I want to do before i leave this earth because i love music, i've been singing and playing since I was 3 years old, I want to sing background vocals. I'm not and have never been the lead singing type of person, somebody has to be the backup. I love harmony, i can hear the harmony immediately, that's my talent. But somewhere in my life i gave up on myself. I let self-doubt run me. Now on the outside, I encourage all of those around me to do "it", whatever their "it" is but when it comes to me, I try to hide. So back to my recent debacle.  I had a chance to audition at Club Ellery's this past Wednesday for Tabitha King and as far as the vocal part, i think i did a pretty darn good job. BUT my weakness is to stop being scared of people. OMG! I haven't been that scared since I was about 6 years old and I was at summer rec camp and I walked about 20 miles home because i felt there were too many kids standing in front of the arts and crafts building.  And the end result was the same. LOL! I remember parts but not all of the actual event.  Normally if i drink some liquid courage, i'm good but this time around even that didn't work.

Now here's the thing, I started out right..i talked to the band I talked to the crowd I started out good. Somewhere in the song, I froze. If i could've crawled up into myself I would have. WHY? I have NO idea. I didn't hit no bad notes, I don't know. I had a friend..heck a family member that was visiting, make that family members and one of them happen to be a music major and he helped me by having me do vocal exercises and I performed and he was able to give me tips on performing. And i mean just that, helped because I used it a little at least before I froze..LOL plus I will keep that with me ALWAYS.  AND it pushes me to get off my butt and get the vocal lessons i need and get some performing experience and STOP being scared. i'm tired of being scared, i really am.

Now 1. i'm proud of me for performing. i've never performed at a nightclub out front and center.  So i'm done dogging myself out. And 2. it's time to make a battle plan.

So I end this by saying There is nothing to fear but your own self-doubt..because that is YOUR fuel for fear! I encourage each of you reading this to face your battles, your obstacles and get it done.  ANd know that as you move forward, the Universe, God, the Father, Allah, Jehovah is there to guide you AND whatever you need to move forward is supplied.  The other night i needed encouragement and even though I chose to still be scared, that encouragement that my girlfriend gave me was needed and it was used.  The Lord had my back even in the nightclub. LOL!  So folks. Please believe in yourself and like the Donald Lawrence songs says sometimes you have to encourage yourself and guess what. It works.

Hugs and be well!
*Peace and Blessings*

Speaking of Passions....Every Good Man Ain't For You

Sooooo i recently came into contact with a local talent Ms. Tabitha King. She's actually a friend of a friend and during conversation i handed her a business card which shows that I'm an alto background vocalist and she's (at some point) going to connect with me to see if my voice blends well with hers. I'm excited! I'm committed to roll with my passion in 2012. the year is almost over (well it is) and i will be on a stage doing what i love before long. that is my promise to myself.  i really wanna take voice lessons though, with my voice change, i need to re-discover my range and other voice stuff. *shrug* it'll happen.  ok that's it!

Roll with your passion people!

oh yeah ONE more thing - ladies - every good man ain't for you! (let it marinate)

*peace and blessings*