Hello World....
*click for theme music*
I made a trip home that i do on a regular basis. At least twice a year i'll get in my vehicle and use 12 hours each way (not including time used to visit) of my life to go see people that i'm connected to via DNA. I can tell you that it can be a hard drive BUT as a kid that did family road trips it's not hard. ANd being raised as pretty much a loner (only child for 15 years) I can do stuff by myself easier than having someone else tagging along. Stopping for gas only since I pack snacks in a cooler. I can sleep where i wanna and when i get to my destination when I can go visit whomever i want without having to worry about someone else being comfortable.
Does that make me sound cold and uncaring?
I don't think so because I'm always loving and caring to all of those around me. I always go out of my way to make sure EVERYone around me is taken care of.....in my days of lowliness and depression I simply duck out of the way of the spotlight and keep it to myself..because honestly no one REALLY wants to help. Right? or Wrong? I don't know I just sometimes feel disconnected from what's happening...people around me have ALL-ways seemed like they knew, have known what they have wanted to do in life and just picked a path and did it. Even with my skills in voice and music that I used to have, there was no REAL push or motivation in that direction besides me knowing i had to be at church. There were high schools that concentrated totally on music but no one saw fit to register me and put me in that. As a minor, how was I supposed to know about ANYthing? Especially after spending a HUGE portion of my life in a small country town.I was about as big as a toothpick and had a nice face back in the day but no one ever told me "hey! you should be a model!" *sigh*
I have two sides. 1. that loves the people that I'm connected to as DNA. i'm an only child and a lot of days in the country with my elderly granny were lonely. i cherished everyday i spent with any cousins. 2. a side that didn't really care for people because i always felt like the butt of some joke that I wasn't privy to. So i spent my life conforming to whatever everybody else was doing. Never felt like whomever i was, was good enough. It wasn't until I got waaaay older that i finally started figuring out my own personality. i have a sense of humor, a dry one. I do have a love for music, i still like to sing, i wish i hadn't let my classical piano training and flute training go to waste. I think (at the age of 40) I have finally figured out what i want to do in life. I've been in a mediocre fog just doing enough to make it through the day and pay bills and enjoy a few things here and there. At the age of 16, something in me gave up and i'd love to go back to that day and re-tap into me and get my motivation back up where it was. There was a time that i said i can do anything and no one could stop me and that's what i did. i don't like being mediocre...i don't like it at all...when i moved here i was about 200 pounds or more and I had some extra extra motivation to do something differernt, first thing was to lose weight. And i got my big, wide ass up and lost the weight AND toned up. that was 8 years ago. i've gained a little back but lost the tone. i keep saying i'm going to lose it, i start up and i don't finish. i have DVDs, i have exercise equipment, I position myself around motivational people that are consistent to try to jump start myself back into being fit. I maintain..but the true motivation is hidden somewhere in this dark muck. I can't stand it. I look in the mirror and see someone that is trying desperately to get her shit together. I just turned 40 and i'm sitting in a college classroom with babies that get it. I JUST now got it. *sigh*
I'm trying to make myself do the right thing! I don't wanna be 46 and still "trying". I like audio engineering stuff..i work with the media ministry at church (gospel tabernacle), i volunteer and hang around musicians who are actually well-known, i got software on my computer that i use to create background vocals to show my skills. i LOVE background singing, I have an ear for harmony and would love to just sing in that capacity and be on the sound board when I'm not singing. I see myself in a condo somewhere kicking it with a husband..wouldn't even mind a kid and a few doggies. (i'm a dog person) i just don't know when/where/how to get there. As a woman that has been scarred by crazy ass, controlling relationships I see relationships as a trap. that's just another issue i'm working thru. one of my biggest objectives is an apartment complex for those that are trying to get back on their feet to give them 6 mos to a year of a roof over their head and a connection back to the work force and/or school. something in me has forgotten because i've gotten bogged down with some other mental bullshit! I gotta get outta this! If i don't 2013 will not be good! i'm just saying. I will be a freakin' zombie! (i hate those movies) I gotta get back to the real Nissa and it's gotta happen soon.
I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth and in Jesus Christ the only son of our Lord who was conceived by the Holy Spirit born to the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate was crucified, dead and buried. the 3rd day he arose from the dead and ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right head of God the Father Almighty........
my fellow AME brethern/sisters recognize that statement above. I believe that God has my back but I also know that if I get in the way He can't do His part. I need to get out of my own way! I have a task to do and I neeeeeeeeed to do it!
2013 will hold me doing more for me. this trip home was less of of people hurrying to greet me and more of me moving around from place to place to greet them. the closeness and the one family unit feel is gone. No one wants to be a one unit anymore. EVERYbody is in it for themselves and effective immediately that means me too. do i miss the old family feel? yep. do i dislike the new individual feel? yep. can i control others? nope. can i control myself? yep. do i have common sense? yep. and i'm going to use it. next stop getting Nissa truly sane. 2013 will be the time of getting my saneness back and love some folks along the way but they won't be my full focus. I always try to put courage and strength in front of me, hence my Aries sign and acknowledgment. as a matter of fact, before 2012 ends, i'll have a tat of my zodiac...my first and last.
I won't be sharing this entry like I do the others, so if you're reading it you were meant to read it. Anybody that doesn't want to be in my personal space or that doesn't want them in mine..consider yourselves released. i can't do it. I won't do it. I release you with no malice towards you (makes sign of the cross). You'll have to now find someone else to laugh about in your spare time, i am no longer the butt of your cosmic joke. KK, Nissa K, Nissa, Annissa, that girl, whatever you called me is o-u-t .....out!
** I'm Okay**
Thank you Father what has happened and what is about to happen. In Jesus name...Amen!
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