Hello World - My body is slowing breaking down...

 Hello World:

So...i was born with pain.  The doctor delivered me with forceps and fucked up my spine and right hip.  My growing pains were excruciating and for a long time my right hip could pop out at any given time.  It was not pretty.

Fast forward - in my early 20s while in the USAF, I develop RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) quickly and soon have to leave the job that I had planned to be a career.

Dealt with the pain throughout my life, realized environment and stress were my triggers so I moved away to a less humid place.  And the RA flare ups stopped.  Love it.

Well NOW....2020 - we have a lovely virus reeking havoc called Covid.  I ended up developing the lovely virus and have some lovely lingering issues as a parting gift.  At first it was just getting used to the craziness of my taste buds and NOW some sort of rash is hitting me up.  Slowly developing under my armpits.  Went to the doctor she said "oh it's nothing, just some inflamed sweat glands." gave me an ointment (Mupirocin) but then due to a contract issue with UHC, my doctor is no longer my doctor because my insurance will not pay her.

ooooh wait - i forgot the best part - I'd been having some weird bleeding with cramping that wasn't tied to my monthly fun times.  Went in for a slightly painful ultrasound and some other test to find out I have something that needs to be removed PLUS I have 3 fibroids (or 4) i can't remember.  The fibroids are not going to be touched right now but the bleeding is coming from the other thing.  I'm still having some mild cramping and some bleeding but nothing I can do but be prepared with herbal (lavender) infused pads.  They do help alot.  I also have several pair of the new undies that someone designed for us during those fun monthly times, I still wear a pad with mine tho.  My outpatient procedure will be handled next month since I need to wait until I have a new bucket of money because my insurance only pays for a portion of the procedure.

ok so back to this rash.  It was mild, i was using the Mupirocin but then my doctor stopped strangely, refilling my prescription so it got worse.  I have to get a new doctor so I can get some more Mupirocin at least because now this rash is flaring up in the nether regions.  Skin looks ugly and lots of itching.

NOW one more thing, I have had a bad tooth for quite some time that needs oral surgery but my dentist's office closed and the only other option they could give me is a location that is an hour away.  Yeah not happening.  So the other day (12/5/2021) I was eating and agitated the tooth and NOW I had to run and buy orajel (maximum strength) plus part of my face is swollen under my eye, even though it's not hurting.  Some parts of my nose is sore if I move it but other than that I have an ice pack to keep the swelling down.

So uuuum yeah....from head to the middle section (LOL) I'm dealing with some stuff!  I hope I make it to my next birthday!  The Universe has allowed me to get things together for the event and I plan on making it an annual thing so I hope I'm good.

Oh yeah - almost forgot - my thyroid levels are too low and my hair was leaving me...in the front, very thin and my edges grew back from a braid incident but the area that my hair used to be has changed in the front.  The same doctor that I'm no longer seeing was handling it with meds so now I'm going the herbal route.  I use the stuff in my smoothies.  I'm hoping to see a change.

I do have a new doctor selected but I haven't setup an appointment yet - I know I should ASAP especially after ALL of the shit I just listed that I'm dealing with.

Crazy how I'll write on this blog more than I've verbalize to another human.  I guess cuz I'm not a fan of the response "oh nooooo...what can i do? are you ok?"  You can't do anything, I was just telling you.  I know people mean well and I should hide anything.  I'll let my cousin Yolanda know what's happening if anything gets too crazy.  She's my emergency contact.

ok.  I'm going to get back to my work stuff.  I just had a weird bleeding incident which made me think to blog what's been happening.  So, I'm done.

Hope your life is going great.

Hello World: 50 is approaching

 Hello World...

It's October 2021 and in 6 months, I'll be 50.  I feel like one HUGE liability, i haven't really accomplished shit.  My life is one big stuck hamster wheel.  Don't own anything, my energy for being in a relationship is gone.  I'm convinced that I am officially stuck in my way and i'll be the childless woman with nothing to show for life. 

My sadness is overwhelming these days.  All of these crazy medical issues are starting to pop up including some female issues.  I feel like we are put here to complete something in this life.  I'm not sure (hell nobody is sure) the whole creation part.  

Basically i feel like a big failure...damaged goods.  I'm wondering if I'll be here March 21, 2022....I'm not sure.  I'm really not sure.

Do I have a plan? Nope.  Honestly, I was happy when I started planning for my 50th.  I have friends around me celebrating their 50th.  My original plan was to go home and have a country girl type celebration but then I started thinking about the money that would go into that.  I'd have to go home and then possibly rent a house and then decorate and get food.  THEN I started thinking about "WHO would come?"  I don't have THAT many folks back home that would be there.  THEN i started thinking about doing something here....I don't want a sit down dinner (boring), I want a party space but not one that I need to rent out and get food and decorations.   I don't know...i just don't.  

But i do know i'm tired.  i'm real real tired.

Fuck Covid, Fuck a vaccine, fuck everything else....my mental is not where it needs to be.  Period.  Covid fucked up my body chemistry and now ya got folks going around pushing this vaccine....like seriously...i'm so sick of the world...i promise.

I can be done and be ok.  If i could figure out a sure fire, not too painful way...i think i would.

...I'm done.

Hello/Goodbye World.

Hello World......Baby Nissa/Toddler Nissa....I'm sorry

 dear little baby nissa and toddler nissa....

i apologize for fukkn up. We came in the world in some confusion...wanted...not wanted...it was up in the air...lots of conflict. Health issues out of the womb...kinda pushed to side...the lil girl by herself in the country...nature and her pets became he friends....the subject of bullying just cuz we were a little skinny kid...part of a BIG family but no real backup...thank God for church and the fact that music became our friend....reading music/piano playing from age 3 (hey toddler) you did well...it was our church friends that kept us safe to a certain extent...got to watch my cousins receive that extra love and support from their parents...and then I got the leftover love from their parents....invisible until it was time to clean up the kitchen after a BIG family function. How did we function? we just remember and focus on the good times. Everybody else seems to be born with a guaranteed goal in life...they already KNEW what adults they wanted to be. Not us. I knew USAF...cuz my uncles made it look sooooo cool....bring the health issues back in 1000% and had to get out. So then hmmm....what to do? Get married? have kids? everybody else is doing it...yeah...BIG #fail in that too...he was a con man....a controlling man...fukked us up even more emotionally....the kid that was looking for that extra love and support from her parents is still there. Our trust level of people is just different because the foundation that we were supposed to get just didn't happen. I'm sorry I didn't do better...we are a BIG sister now...which was hard watching others get the love and support from our parent that we didn't get. Oh don't front now...we had cute clothes and hairstyles growing up but NEVER that emotional attachment...and it's still kinda strange. I apologize that I didn't get it right. We are now damn near 50 and we left the marriage idea alone...no kiddos but an awesome aunt. We still have some other plans...maybe in the works...but NOTHING close to the life we could've had. I made some bad choices for us. The therapists we've seen worked to a degree but THEN they ask "hey do you think your family can join a session?" that's my cue to exit..cuz they don't think they did anything wrong to you. Apparently you didn't deserve any hugs and love and extra support about what you wanted to do when you grew up. The clothes and hairstyles should have sufficed. We still hurt...are still hurt...

Here is the thing......other than Us...Adult Nissa...nobody really gives a damn. Oh yeah the adult men out here are all about emotional abuse...our assets...oh yeah now we finally gained weight....u know we were the 85 pound lil brown girl forever it seemed...around mid twenties the DNA kicked in the hips and thighs and even tho the lil boom boom was already there it kinda meshed with everything else. LOL....but adult men have just drained us emotionally and we're done. No time for games at damn near 50.

Everything is up in the air.....although sometimes I wish we were gone...it's true....

baby Nissa/Toddler Nissa - I apologize......I fukked it all up for us.

Hello World....Pandemic x2

 Hello World... (listen to this while u read.)

So the 2020 pandemic is STILL going on.  Vaccines are out and about, people have died from it.  It's a mess!

It's black history month....i do like that the narrative of recognizing the same 5 good African Americans for the month.  This younger generation is looking for information and getting it.

NOW there is a crazy ass "day after tomorrow" storm that has hit the Gulfcoast areas and the state of Texas has no constant power and/or running water with temperatures in the teens and lower.

People have died from the weather as well as attempting to use outdoor grills and generators in the house....sitting in their closed garage in their running cars and dying of carbon monoxide poisoning.  It's crazy!  

Our utility bills are up and up...gas and electricity.  Just crazy!

I'm not sure when we'll get back to our new normal.  I'm grateful to work from home but I wouldn't mind some office interaction with my colleagues.

We now have a new President, Joe Biden we got 45 out of office thank God!  His followers are pissed! Their racist claws are out.

Rush Limbaugh died yesterday.  Talk about the mouth of the racist.  They loved him! oh well, i hope he found the Lord. (side eye)

Today is a friday eve that is great for re-watching all of the "house of cards" seasons on Netflix.  Political drama is awesome.

And to my family....in the words of Diana and the Supremes "somedaaaay we'll be togeeeeetheeer..."

Love ya like I love ya.....

peace and love....love and peace.

NissaK