Hello World: 50 is approaching

 Hello World...

It's October 2021 and in 6 months, I'll be 50.  I feel like one HUGE liability, i haven't really accomplished shit.  My life is one big stuck hamster wheel.  Don't own anything, my energy for being in a relationship is gone.  I'm convinced that I am officially stuck in my way and i'll be the childless woman with nothing to show for life. 

My sadness is overwhelming these days.  All of these crazy medical issues are starting to pop up including some female issues.  I feel like we are put here to complete something in this life.  I'm not sure (hell nobody is sure) the whole creation part.  

Basically i feel like a big failure...damaged goods.  I'm wondering if I'll be here March 21, 2022....I'm not sure.  I'm really not sure.

Do I have a plan? Nope.  Honestly, I was happy when I started planning for my 50th.  I have friends around me celebrating their 50th.  My original plan was to go home and have a country girl type celebration but then I started thinking about the money that would go into that.  I'd have to go home and then possibly rent a house and then decorate and get food.  THEN I started thinking about "WHO would come?"  I don't have THAT many folks back home that would be there.  THEN i started thinking about doing something here....I don't want a sit down dinner (boring), I want a party space but not one that I need to rent out and get food and decorations.   I don't know...i just don't.  

But i do know i'm tired.  i'm real real tired.

Fuck Covid, Fuck a vaccine, fuck everything else....my mental is not where it needs to be.  Period.  Covid fucked up my body chemistry and now ya got folks going around pushing this vaccine....like seriously...i'm so sick of the world...i promise.

I can be done and be ok.  If i could figure out a sure fire, not too painful way...i think i would.

...I'm done.

Hello/Goodbye World.