Hello World...
Yesterday started out as a strange vibe day with the non-boiled eggs. In my 41 years i've NEVER not succeeded in boiling an egg and it happened yesterday. I knew then that the day was going to be interesting.
Saw my new friend for a split second and hung with my homette that is in town visiting and the day seemed to be going back to the positive side. Went to a nice fish fry outing at a park...great energy..good food...great people. Then somewhere something went wrong...a comment was made that made me feel like I was in the way. See this was a Frat/Soror type thing and of course my life decisions have caused me to NOT be a part of that world and the way it's looking it'll never happen. So when i'm at one of these things, yes everyone is nice but i'm definitely an outsider and this is my homette's thang. So to already know you're an outsider and then hear that comment made me start to back off. So that's where my vibe went to the left (negative). Then it just seemed like every time I said something it was considered funny/stupid not funny/haha. And there is a difference. So i removed myself from a scenario that irritated me during a small group convo and then as we head to another gathering i hear "well yes a man is allowed to have a few things out of order in their home but a woman should NEVER have anything out of order.." *BAM* upper cut to the chin towards me because I'm sort of a clutter bug so I haven't had a spot where there was a spot/place for everything in YEARS. I hold onto stuff...which i probably shouldn't but I do. I realized that when i moved from a 2bedroom to this 1 bedroom. I had so much "junk" stuff it was ridiculous! So there are two ways to take that comment - Negatively and Positively. Last night...i took it negatively and it hurt my feelings because i find myself "again" in a scenario with someone I consider a friend and just got hit in the gut like that. So i'm like "oh wow, she took it there! Why?" As the night went on the tension slowly died down and things got a tad better. Great company, games, good food and i actually watched the playoffs. LOL! I couldn't believe it. I'm more NFL than NBA but i'm a sports fan so I'll watch if it's on and if it's the thing the group is doing. *shrug* it's whatever. LOL!
And next event later on, things seemed to have gotten better but that comment will stick with me....forever. I think because what I heard was "you have to be perfect" and I'm far from that in a whole bunch of areas in my life and will never be that so it made me mad. And then fast forward after sleeping on it and coming to the conclusion that i'd already made up in my mind that i wanted to start pairing down stuff to get rid of the junk and work on my clutter free project, I was like ok..the message is the same, i just didn't like the presentation. *shrug* whatever! And at the time with the other emotions I was dealing with, I didn't need to hear that.
So the positivity of it all is now making itself known. You see when I first started this blog entry I was in the mindset that I was slowly slipping away, that I was again close to ending everything. Because being mediocre sucks and I can't seem to get my shit together to do something with my damn life and it's starting to make me angry! So I was at tears..felt like my life was slowly slipping away. Then I logged onto my church website wileyjackson.org and Bishop's meditative word for today was "when you start talking about your situation to God, you limit His power in working things out." That's a paraphrase but that's the message and I was like "ok Father, I hear You." I seem to keep repeating this same vicious mental cycle, except this time I'm paying tithes on a regular so I'm hoping that will make my outlook better. I seem to go from highest heights of "Living my life like it's golden" to "Fuck this shit i'm out" there's nothing in between. I mean i think about school, it's on halt right now and the job is a mediocre attempt of me holding on. And then i see my friends/associates successfully doing their thang...making it happen no matter what and i'm like "Nissa, you are a sorry one for real..you ain't got kid the first, no negative man in your life trying to stop you..you are stopping YOU." ugh!
Anyway, right now my spirit is better but I still feel myself slowly slipping away and I'm scared that one day there will be no pep talk to bring me back.
Every birthday takes me closer to the end and i'm starting to feel like a true failure. That one that talks about what i'm going to do and never doing it.
Pray for me...
*Peace and Blessings*
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