Standing Still...

Hello World...

*Warning: this one is a bit real.....*
My birthday was 6 days ago and I am not 9 years away from 50.  Yes i know one shouldn't look so far ahead because you don't know if you'll be here in the next second but i just had to make that quick observation.  One thing i try to do is no matter what is happening around me, no matter what my real feelings are at that time I try to type, speak positive vibes into the situation.  I figure if I do that I will speak the good stuff into existence and negate whatever crazy stuff I'm currently experiencing.  I don't see it as lying to myself I see it as not wallowing in foolishness.  Well this time i have to put it out there.  I feel like I'm standing still and it's my fault!  My decision making skills are NOT the best and for that I don't see myself as ever being the apple of anyone's eye...being a sinner God doesn't even wanna hear you so I guess i'm by myself for real.  I've made crazy ass relationship decisions that puts me in a weird position/category..doubt i'll be taken seriously in that either.  And now with my "new" so-called audio/sound engineering career.  If i'd done like one of my good girlfriends told me to do which was to pay back my student loans little by little with each refund I got I wouldn't be on school hiatus due to some financial issues, I'd still be in school. Again my fault.  Bottom line, i'm an idiot. I allowed some dude 8 years older than me (i was about 23 when i met him) talk me out of school, a military career and let his vileness poison my mind that I wasn't going to be able to do anything.  But what does that say about me? How weak is my mind? What happened to my common sense? And hell i'm 41 now and still making stupid mistakes; Do I have any common sense??  Seems like to me I'm a waste of space and air...I come to a job every day that, for me, is dead end.  I watch my co-workers come and go excited about their engineering/architectural careers and advances and i'm the freakin' office admin. (office manager my ass) there is nothing here for me to advance too!  I feel like i'm standing still.

I get around my friends and smile and laugh because I don't want people to know....i guess the real me.  when i celebrate with others it makes me forget, at least for a little while.  and then i go back to life, back to reality.  Lord why am i here? Is there something truly for me to do?  Do you really trust me to make a decision for me or anybody else?  I feel like I'm standing still...for real.  I'm not feeling very good about this lady named Annissa K right now....not at all.

Am I feeling suicidal? Nope but if anything happened (i.e accident) to me, and my cousin has a copy of my will, I have a DNR in place.  Don't bring me back here to continue to fuck up.  I've already done enough and to tell you the truth, I'm tired.

Now am I continuing to pray and ask God to shake my crazy ass out of this funky ass, depressing mood? Yes I am but I have to be real about it.  I just a show watching kids and adults glowingly prospering in their talents and moving forward and still i feel like i'm standing still.  This has to get better. It really does.

i'm out...